Friday, 15 May 2009

Forbes Rich and Poor Lists : 2009

Forbes, the zillionaire magazine rich and shameless statistics tracker, has today published its 2009 listing of the world’s richest – and poorest – people.

Topping the list this year is Miss Muffett, the Curds & Whey Industries tycoon spinster, with an estimated $55 zillion fortune following the acquisition of the Tuffets Fine Furniture conglomerate and stamping out competition - and a hostile take-over bid by the Spider Corporation in March.

Next on the ladder is Don Carlos Corruptioni of Mexico with a £49 zillion fortune earned from his premier Oaxaca ‘Sneezy Pig’ pork scratchings franchise and the family’s third-generation flatulent-free 'Jolly Juanita' jumping bean empire.

Third place goes, as per last year, to 107-years old Centenarian Ingvard Kampbed of Sweden, with $45 zillion earned jointly from his Ikea ‘Twatpack’ empire and affiliated ‘Home Doctor Inc.’ medical supplies group’s innovative “Broken Fingers” self-setting fracture kits.

The Ikea Corporation’s stock rose again considerably at the close of 2008 after the European Court of Human Rights found the company ‘not guilty’ in a class action suit filed by ‘persons lacking mechanical aptitude’ of being the root cause of a legion of cases of gross frustration, depression and suicides in young to middle aged married men.

Next on the money bags list is Swiss industrialist Waldorf Fuctifino, inventor of the Nobel Prize-winning solar powered tomcat peeler, with an estimated offshore (and tax-free) nest egg of $40 zillion. Herr Fuctifino attracted massive stock option bids in April following the launch of his carbon offset / cap n trade wind powered cuckoo clock range.

Greedy Grocer Supermarket CEO and junk foods magnate Sir Gerald Plumrose cashes in at a $38 zillion figure from his ‘Spam’ pork luncheon meat empire and recent huge profits from the innovative genetically-crossed ‘elephant-pig’ breed : the Spammoth.

Hong Kong-based tycoon owner of Triad Properties (SA) Mr. Fuk Yew Tu weighs in at sixth place – up from tenth in 2008 - with a $35 zillion fortune made from his quango empire of Smiley Face organ donor ‘built for purpose’ prisons spread across mainland China.
His affiliated Triad Transplants (SA) is forecast to post pre-tax profits of what financial gurus are referring to as ‘lots and lots of fucking money’.

Down in the cheapo billionaire and millionaire index the same old faces come and go – with the operative word being ‘go’ due the deepening recession and the collapse of many billionaire wannabee’s over-extended company credit and debt balances.

However one welcome new face to the ‘Millionaire’ list is 18-year old Ronnie McScrunt of Smegmadale-on-Sea whose only qualification is a first-rate Asbo.
Ronnie appeared on the TV reality show Dragon’s Den to convince a panel of sour-faced wealthy egoists to invest in his ‘Scrapheap Scallies’ line of quid-stretcher / DSS-affordable Bling-Bling hip-hop jewellery.

Conversely, when the panel became insulting and ridiculed the venture, Ronnie threw what is colloquially termed a ‘wobbler’ and beat the entire panel of rich slugs to death with a tyre iron he conveniently had up his sleeve, then did a tactical bunk with several suitcases of the Dragon’s ready cash.

The 2008 World’s ‘Poorest Cunt’ was claimed by landless peasant M’Beki O’Dinga of Darfur in the Western Sudan after a cut-throat skirmish with competing neighbours for the prestigious title. O’Dinga secured top slot by proving to judges his only possessions were a stuffed scorpion and a dog-eared photograph of Bono.

Further evidence entailed verifying the fact he didn’t even know what ‘Capitalism’ meant, and knew sweet fuck all about fractional reserve banking or financial quantitative easing.
The Forbes panel of judges were finally convinced, when presented with a US Treasury bond for $50,000, O’Dinga promptly started chewing it, mistaking the T-certificate for a tasty snackie.

However, 87-year old widow Mrs. Dimwit Nattybat of Shitpit Street, Skidrow Province, Pakistan, goes to top place in the 2009 penury list after she was mugged last week at an upbeat leper-begging spot and her banana leaf-wrapped worldly possessions of a short bit of string and a bent bottle top stolen, along with her loin cloth, crutches, top denture and glass eye, and thus now ranks as the world’s poorest woman.

Let’s give Mrs. Nattybat a big round of applause and hope she can make it to the Forbes Richest and Poorest awards in New York later this month to enjoy the champagne, oysters and caviar lunch at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel and collect her ‘Poorest Cunt on Earth’ trophy in person.

Do you think you might qualify for the Forbes’ Richest or Poorest index?
If you have more money than fucking sense or don’t have a pot to piss in then your preliminary wealth / poverty level is already established.
Fill in one of the Forbes online questionnaires below and we’ll add you to one of our super-spam e-mailing lists advertising materialistic sweat shop manufactured crap you not only don’t need but can ill-afford. “Go, Capitalism, Go!”

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