Brits Need Proof of Age to Buy Spoons

A Muslim shopper was left baffled after she went to her local Grotty Grocer branch of Asda to stock up on picnic equipment and was asked for proof of age and identity to buy a pack of six teaspoons.

Shop assistant Candida Twatrot, a part-time BNP Community Support Officer, reportedly informed the customer that someone had once been murdered with a teaspoon, and therefore age identification was now required – as the purchaser had to be over 18 - further moronically questioning the customer as to why she wanted so many teaspoons as it was normal in the UK to use only one when stirring a cup of tea or cocoa.

That the woman had also bought paper plates, napkins and picnic ware at the Skidrow-on-Sea branch of Asda in West Smegmadale did not appear to reassure the shop assistant as to her innocent intentions.

When the customer, Mrs. Alison Quaeda, a 16-year-old mother of three, objected to the surly salesbitch’s dictatorial manner and questioning, and refused to remove the veil from her burkha, Ms. McTwat telephoned the local anti-terrorist snitch line and a rapid response squad were choppered in to deal with the recalcitrant Mrs. Quaeda – cornering her in a 50,000 volt Taser crossfire behind the baking accessories section before extracting her to the nearest extreme rendition centre for further questioning.

Anti-terrorist squad chief Superintendent Vinnie Torquemada later informed reporters “Well, after a couple of waterboarding sessions she came clean and admitted they were planning a barbeque. Better safe than sorry.”

Since the incident was publicised Asda’s Grotty Grocer website has been subsequently bombarded with comments and suggestions for other items that could cause harm.

One posting read: "Tea towel and a couple of bottle of diet cream soda and you've got all the equipment for waterboarding a Numpty-Dumpty Asda sales slut."

Another reader remarked: "Seemingly Asda believe that nobody over 18 ever murdered anyone."

"If the Government are going to try to take away my constitutional rights this way, I'm going to carry the biggest calibre teaspoon I can find," another sarcastic commentator added. "I will give up my teaspoon when they prise it from my cold, dead body."

Desmond Dunce, the Asda store manager, said he was unaware of the spoon ID rule. "The customer will have been asked for age identification by the assistant when prompted by the till.”

“Personally I'm not aware of an age restriction for spoons. It's most likely a fuck-up with the bar codes – and Ms. McTwat having just been brainwashed by signing up for a Common Purpose ‘Young Fascist Leaders’ course didn’t really help matters."