Barbara Sludge, known to all her networking psychotic social set and sycophant arse-lickers as HRH Lady Sludge, was today awarded a top slot in the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records as the global champion holder of over a thousand directorships – including the chairmanship of the UK Atomic Energy Authority - without knowing a single iota about matters nuclear – except she seems to believe the sun shines out of her own arse.
Married to Sir Morton Sludge, a principal benefactor of the tax-exempt Sludge College of Recycling (University of Smegmashire) Barbie claims to be a dual citizen of the US of A and the UK : by divine right of birth - and marriage.
Formerly Barbie Doll Thomas, a naturally dumb blonde and self-styled Eva Peron look-alike, she received her Bachelor of Tarts degree from the Cajun University of Shitcreek (Louisiana) and Juris Doctor with honours from the Harlem University School of Street Law in New York.
Babs became a partner of the Boston law firm, Jobsworth, Dogsbody and Scumbag - specialising in dodgy corporate financial transactions – while still a teenager.
In 1981, at the age of 16, she was appointed by US President Alzheimer as the youngest ever Commissioner of the US Securities Insider Trading and Coverups Commission and was a founder of its international ‘Whitewash’ division.
She was later appointed by President Alzheimer to establish the Lagos 419 Scam Stock Exchange in Nigeria, in recognition for which she was made a director of the West African Toxic Landfill Recycling Cooperative.
In 1983 Barbie moved to Hong Kong and became a novice teenage wannabee board director of the Triad-controlled merchant bank Samuel Slimeford & Co., returning to New York in 1987 as Senior Paper Shredder at Banksters Trust.
In 1993 she moved to the United Kingdom as the first split-arsed main board director of Screws International and also became a director of the Titworths Food Group, overseeing the rhubarb and custard division.
She became a director of the UK Atomic Energy Authority in 2002 and has been its Chairman since 2004 after she started glowing in the dark following a visit to the Sellafield Nuclear Mishaps plant.
Barbie is also Chairman of the Institute of Tortoise Polishing, Deputy Chairman of Friends of Idi Amin plc., and also Co-Chairman of the UK/US Task Force on Fiddling Corporate Expenses. From 2003-2006 she was Deputy Chairman of the UK-based Council for Tax Avoidance Schemes.
She is a member of the governing body of the Last Ditch Effort Foundation and became a member of the Trilateral Commission in 1997 after blowing international war criminal Henry Kissinger.
She is also an independent director of Messy Ferguson Tractors, Magna Carta International (Runnymede SA), Stella Beercrate NV (Belgium) and the Board of Governors of the Rockall Institute of Laundromat Operators.
As well as chairing the governing body of the newly-formed School for Oriental and African Piracy in Mogadishu, Barbie is a member of the International Board of Overseers for Saint Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Pederasts in Ireland.
Babs is a trustee of the Royal Academy for Name-Dropping, a senior director of the Wallace and Gromit Foundation – and - a Public Member of the International Ethics Standards Board for the Use of Capital Letters.
‘Bulldog’ Barbie Thomas Sludge – BA, JD, VD & Bar, HIV 1, VHS, DVD – married Tory grandee Sir Morton Sludge after he got rid of his first wife in 2001 (rumouredly due the fact she was past her sell-by date) and assumed the undeserved title of ‘Lady’.
Described by critics as a “gold-digging cunt in cunt’s clothing”, Barbs was fondly remembered by a group of former college peers as a control freak and the type of pushy slut who was more ambitious that Hitler, and destined to shag herself into a top job and cushy lifestyle.
One teenage boyfriend recalls her dentistry left a lot to be desired as she could eat an apple through a tennis racket. Asked what she was like between the sheets he confided “Same as fucking a dead fish– frigid - just flapped around a bit – her pussy smelled like a rotting kipper due some vaginal fungus thing she’d caught from sharing dildo’s at college.”
Other old school contemporaries were more critical and related Barbie suffered repetitive ‘blonde moments’ and hated her sobriquet of ‘old shit-for-brains’ and being labelled a ‘know-all name-dropping twat’,
Husband Sir Morton Sludge, knighted by ex-Conservative leader John Minor for some reason nobody seems to remember, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “I’m elated Babsy’s got a Guinness record placing as she likes to collect directorships and titles like other women harbour cheap bling.”
“Name a board and she is on it; find a charity and she’ll be associated with it.”
“Mind you, on the QT – up close and confidential – all her directorships are, in essence, jobs for the girls - a triumph of ruthless networking and lobbying – and lying on her back – legs akimbo.”
Inevitably, her achievement in taking on so many roles has brought controversy in its wake: how does she get all these posts, does she deserve them - and can she possibly be doing so many jobs with scrupulous competence and keep a shame-free face for the stipends she’s banking from each?
Questioned how his wife could perform any of her executive duties efficiently with holding so many directorship appointments Sir Morton replied, in true Tory fashion : “Is that relevant?”
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