Wednesday, 20 May 2009

UK Councils Recruit Snoop n Snitch Army

Children as young as three years old are being recruited by the UK’s fascist council commissars to act as Citizen Snoopers, the Daily Shitraker’s banner headline revealed today.

The 'environment support' groups, press-ganged from kindergartens, jobcentres and Asbo registers will report on community vandals, litter louts, noisy neighbours, DIY enthusiasts, people they simply dislike, suspected paedo’s and other poor hapless twats who put their rubbish out on the wrong day : now a capital offence.

There are currently almost 9,000 people – unemployed and homeless peasants - signed up to the schemes, with thousands of juveniles likely to be recruited in the coming months during the scorching summer school recess.

Controversially, Smegmadale Council is purposely running a 'junior' scheme which is recruiting children as neighbourhood spies under their ‘Snoop n Snitch’ community compliance programme.

After basic training at one of the Common Purpose charity’s brainwashing centres - spread across the country like flyshit on an Aussie’s t-shirt - volunteers are expected to be the 'eyes and the ears' of the town hall and will be given a Dick Tracy-type secret ID card and wrist watch, an invisible ink pen and notebook, a water pistol and a cheapo camera cellphone to record and report offenders of the latest moronic Orwellian by-laws.

The kiddie Snitch Squads will also be provided with police training information packs about how to fabricate and plant false evidence, and tips about recording the registration plates of people parked up on a secluded country lane for a dogging session, which could later be used for criminal prosecutions or blackmail.

Kids are encouraged to watch the town hall’s video library collection of WW2 Gestapo and KGB training movies and are being instructed in the use of plastic tie wrap handcuffs, how to waterboard pensioners without drowning them and other approved methods of moderate to extreme rendition.

Volunteers are given a list of things to do when confronted with fly-tippers, or dog owners allowing their canine pets to shit on the pavement and not bagging it up, including taking Ninja-fashion stealth photos of pooch’s crapping or garbage fly-dumpers snapped in the act .

Last year the Ghettoford council undertook a recruitment drive for youngsters aged nine and above, called Junior Grassers. The children were given police notebooks to write down reports on littering or wannabee Wanksie graffiti artists operating around the town.

Mr Frankie Kafka, organiser of the adolescent Gestapo squads in Squalor Hamlets, said: 'It's not possible for the council to see what's going on in the borough 24/7, even with all our ubiquitous CCTV cameras, so our Junior Grasser gangs are a great help, reporting fineable offences like spitting out chewing gum or pissing in the town hall’s letter box.'

The neighbouring borough of Slumford Sands has given its top thousand junior volunteers handheld computers – paid for out of late council tax payment fines – to take photographs of problem areas.
The information is then uploaded to a map of trouble spots which then get a blanket Asbo imposed the following week.

Overall, a total of 8,442 volunteers have signed up at 17 councils in England. Other councils are set to follow their example and set up their own networks of volunteers who will undergo preliminary training at Abu Grahib Prison in Iraq on how to extract confessions from housewives who put mix n match garbage in the wrong recycling wheelie bins.

They say the scheme helps them investigate problems which they might not know about otherwise. But critics claim the schemes will be abused and move from a nuisance ‘Nanny State’ to a pervasive and sinister ‘Big Brother’ totalitarian society.

The move comes as local authorities dish out millions of pounds in fanciful fines to householders who leave out too much garbage or fail to follow recycling rules by gift-wrapping their rubbish.

Dinsdale Scrunt, chief executive of the Tax Payers' Alliance, said: 'Community spirit is one thing, spying on your neighbours is quite another – unless it’s a personal fetish kink thingie.

'It is the job of the police to maintain law and order, and there is no reason taxpayers should have to pay twice for the same service by having their own kids peering through the bedroom window and reporting their Dad for sticking one up Auntie Mildred’s back passage doggy-style while Mum’s out shopping.”

'People are sick and tired of being spied on by their councils and in a recession we simply cannot afford luxuries like handheld computers at a time when the most basic public services, such as getting a weekly handjob off a social worker are being scaled back.'

Skidrow-on-Sea’s innovative scheme is run by waste collection and environmental contractor Skwerco, which hopes to recruit several hundred more school-age volunteers this summer and boost it’s director’s bonuses through council fines levied against hapless residents.

Skwerco said other councils are keen to introduce its handheld computers, although many Sink or Swim council estates were conducting similar schemes using cheaper low-tech methods such as communicating with two cocoa tins and a long piece of string. In various immigrant areas smoke signals and tom-toms were being used to good effect when passing up-to-date information on to council hit squads.

For example Shitborough Council in north London, which has recruited 4,800 volunteers from the age of six over the past year, simply gives its 'Street Sneaks' ball pens, a folder of contact details and a 5% cut of any fines they manage to impose.

Council spokesman Jack Scum told reporters: 'Street Sneaks themselves have confirmed that it is not a scheme where people are asked to spy on neighbours – even though that is precisely what they do.”

“Our Street Sneaks gangs are asked to act just as any other nosy bastard resident might – to report any criminal issues in their local area – such as their MP claiming dodgy expenses or some sadistic para-military plod beating alcoholic news vendors to death for a bit of a laugh.'

Mr. Scum added that a lap dancing bar and two Rub n Tug Happy Ending massage parlours had been closed down this year as a result of their junior Street Sneaks spy teams peeping through the establishments’ windows and grassing up dodgy goings-on.

"These community-spirited residents are not Soviet-KGB style state snoopers. They help councils to impose fines on enemies of society – like senile grannies and disabled twats who can’t park their wheelie bins properly.”

Allergy warning : This news skit was written in a nut-infested environment and may contain traces of squirrel.

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