Sunday, 17 May 2009

Gorbals Mick gets Thumbs-Down from MPs

Nick Clogg has become the first party leader to call for the House of Conmans’ Speaker to get the proverbial boot in the midst of the humiliating expenses crisis gripping Parliament.

The Lib Dem’s ‘Son of Ming the Merciless’ leader said Gorbals Mick should do the "decent Biblical thing" - and go out and hang himself -as he was (apart from being a tight-fisted Porridge Wog) not the "right man" to lead much-needed reform of Parliament.

Dodgy Dave Cameron also stated the issue was at "crisis point" and must be settled now to take the scumbag public’s blood-thirsty attentions off Tory expense offenders.

Their comments came as the Sunday Shitraker published yet more gruesome details of member’s felonious expense claims.

The MPs highlighted in the latest tabloid gutter press report, including former Conservative ass-kisser Desmond Dunce and New Labour whip Fraser McKrunt, admitted their guilt by throwing themselves into the Thames with sacks of credit card bills and mortgage demands tied round their necks.

'Conservative MP Douglas Carthief is expected to table a motion of no confidence in the House of Conmans’ Speaker Mick McTwat on Monday, stating he has growing cross-party support that McTwat is now considered a total dog-wanker and well past his sell-by date.

Lib Dem leader Clogg told the BBC's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr that he was not seeking the Speaker's resignation out of spite but did admit he fancied the job himself as a nice cushy, perk-laden little number.

Gorbals Mick McTwat has come under increasing pressure from all parties for his mishandling of the expenses crisis and basically fucking up everything he has touched since assuming the post in October 2000 after the previous Speaker, Baroness Betty Bubbleansqueak suffered a massive fart attack and exploded in front of Black Rod.

Described by critics as the type of person who thinks wood grows on trees, Gorbals Mick – a former tin-basher and the Men in Skirts party’s MP for Glasgow’s Skidrow Alley constituency - has now forfeited the support of PM Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown due his mishandling of the expenses crisis.

Publicly Brown had defended McTwat but now agrees he has been compromised by the expenses affair and is in various MP’s sights for character assassination.

The final straw was the revelation late last week that , as Commons Commission chairman, McTwat helped block new laws to stop MPs dodging capital gains tax.
That followed his bad-tempered barracking of MPs Kate Spewy and Norman Bonker for daring to mention his personal dodgy expenses claims in the House.

A trickle of MPs have openly demanded his resignation. But the real scale of the revolt is much larger – and growing day by day as new revelations emerge.

McTwat outraged House of Conmans’ civil service staff by blaming them for the leak of MPs’ expenses claims two months ahead of planned publication and dropping him in the shit personally.
The central charge against him, however, is that he led attempts to keep Parliamentary perks and expenses under wraps, acting as a “shop steward” for MPs rather than introducing real reform.

Even before the latest storm Gorbals Mick’s authority – and too credibility - were draining away thanks to a series of myopic blunders comparable to a Marx Brothers farce.

These included charges that he conspired to sack House of Conman’s “sleaze-buster” Elizabeth Fuckwit and claimed £10,400 for chauffeurs to drive him around Glasgow’s red light district in a limo’, on curb-crawling excursions to solicit Jockette golly-floggers which he claimed for as Parliamentary ‘sexpenses’.
Also included were further limo’ hires to take him to Highland caber-tossing competitions and haggis-stomping tournaments.

On 29 March 2008, the Daily Shitraker revealed that refurbishment of McTwat’s official residence Speaker’s Palace, has cost the taxpayer £1.7m over 7 years. The mansion is located inside the Palace of Westminster.

In December 2008, during a week described by the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette as an "another bad one for Parliament's reputation", McTwat awarded himself a taxpayer-funded, index-linked pension worth close to £14 million consisting of double his MP's salary and three times his Speaker's salary, inflation-adjusted until his death.

This followed a week in which Speaker McTwat’s jobsworth dogsbody, Gilbert O’Scrunt, resigned after admitting that he had misled the Shitraker on Sunday news tabloid over more than £4,000 in taxi expenses incurred by the Speaker's wife, Mary McTwat for shopping trips to buy food for government receptions.
(Catering for such receptions is the responsibility of Parliament’s fast food Chew and Spew kitchen department)

It turned out that Mrs McTwat was in fact a bigger liar than her husband and had actually been entertaining her Albanian toyboy catwalk models and had incurred the expenses buying them designer male underwear and gem-encrusted leather cod pieces.

On 19 April 2009, an editorial in the left-leaning ‘Barmy Bolshevik Weekly’ newspaper renewed calls for his retirement as Speaker, saying "McTwat and his crooked missus have been plundering the public purse for an almost grotesque array of personal perks and foreign junkets."

Following the highly controversial arrest of Conservative immigration spokesman Donald Dorkfelder, much anger was directed towards Speaker McTwat for allowing police into the Palace of Westminster to search Mr Dorkfelder’s House of Conmans' office without a search warrant concerning leaked ‘Second Home’ Office documents.
Apparently McTwat’s comment at the time was one of “Bollocks – he’s a fuckin’ sasenach Tory.”

Sir Carsfield Ratbiter, Chief Parliamentary Backstabber, told reporters “The Speaker is, in Parliamentary terms, a dead man walking. The only person who doesn’t know that is the Speaker himself – but that will change in the next few days when he sees his P45.”

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