Sunday, 17 May 2009

Underworked Plods get Litter Duty

The UK’s police force of under-worked Plods have been ordered to go on litter patrol in a bid to boost the number of people nicked for minor offences - such as screwing up parking fine tickets pasted on their car windscreens and lobbing them in the gutter, or dropping ciggy butts, or spitting out redundant gum.

Officers will be forced to ditch their uniforms and go out undercover wearing plain clothes, or squat down disguised as a street corner trash can in a Sneak n Snitch attempt to hit performance targets and earn this Christmas’s bonus.

However the plods are furious over the move as they’ll have to get off their lazy arses and actually walk a town’s streets instead of driving around the perimeters in their souped-up gaz guzzlers with strobe lights flashing and the sirens blaring.

As plods might be empowered to beat innocent news vendors to death as they saunter past the vicinity of G20 protest rallies, or murder-with-impunity any tube-travelling Brazilian electricians suspected of looking slightly Islamic – strangely enough they don’t have the powers to issue on-the-spot-fines – only on-the-spot death sentences.

Instead, if they apprehend and subdue some hapless five-year old pre-school Asbo Chav or Hoodie for dropping a spliff butt or candy wrapper - or condom packet, they’ll have to photograph every fucker and their dog, then bag and tag the evidence, then radio a Community Support officer – actually a plastic pretend plod - to attend the scene and slap the juvenile offender with a £50 to £80 penalty to be paid in ready cash out of their weekly pocket money or charged via direct debit to their piggy bank account – and all the while look like a bunch of clots performing in a circus without a tent.

As well as pulling up more people for littering, officers have also been told to be on the look out for dogs allowing their owners to foul the pavement or homeless street dwellers pissing through building society office letter boxes for a bit of a vengeful giggle.

PC Richard Pillock, the General Secretary of the UK Plod Squad Federation, said that officers 'felt like a bunch of plonkers and dildos' catching offenders and then having to wait for a Community Support git to arrive and say “’Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello – wot ‘ave we ‘ere then eh?”

PC Pillock informed the litter correspondent from the Timewasters Gazette: “The ‘Second Home’ Secretary was talking about removing some of the targets and performance indicators at the last police conference, but as she was blathering on a colleague of mine received a Blackberry message from the Met’ saying he had to make sure his team issued 2,000,000 tickets for littering by the end of 2009 – or else he’d get kicked in the jacksy and no Xmas bonus.”

Pillock said officers were 'fed up' dealing with minor crimes which he claims should be tackled by the council’s neighbourhood Sneak n Snitch squads of nasty Community Support Gestapo types.

He added: 'My opinion is that we should be focused on more serious crimes like arresting MP’s over their dodgy expense claims, and manning terrorist suspect stop n search posts around the towns, targeting all these iffy Infidel bastards wearing bedsheets and having towels wrapped around their effing heads.” “It’s no bleeding wonder stuff keeps getting blown up.”


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