Plods Give Barefoot Teen Drunk the Cold Shoulder

Two police officers have defended their decision to let a 14-year-old drunken teenager walk home barefoot shortly before he died of hypothermia on a freezing winter's night.

PC’s Numpty and Dumpty were called to the A666 roundabout on the Smegmadale border in January after receiving reports of a mud-covered half-naked male in the road trying to flag down traffic with his underpants.

The officers told an inquest they found Desmond McDork, 14, semi-coherent but still standing and were "happy" with their actions to let him walk home barefoot and freeze to death. McDork's perma-frosted body was found - Otzi the Iceman style - frozen solid in an abandoned badger set two weeks later.

Officers Numpty and Dumpty, who gave their evidence in private, were called to the Smegmadale-on-Sea area and found the young McDork standing on a traffic roundabout, barefooted, mud-splattered, dressed only in a thin t-shirt.

Officer Numpty, the police driver, said McDork explained he had been to a party at Smegmadale Sands and was ‘pissed as a newt’.
He told the policemen he had been unable to get a lift or a taxi and decided to take a short cut home, and lost his trainers and socks crossing a muddy field, then further asked the officers for a lift.

However, giving evidence with his fingers crossed, Officer Numpty said there had to be a "policing purpose" to give someone a lift – such as arresting them for terrorist activities or the fact they looked like a Brazilian electrician.
He said it would be against force HSE policy, the person would not be insured, and it would leave the officers open to false allegations - and the back seat of their car covered in mud.

Asked by the coroner if the situation might have been different if the stranded person was a 14-year-old female with big tits, covered in mud, barefoot, clad in a wet t-shirt and smelling of alcohol, the officers smiled and replied “Well, she’d have been up for a quick cluster fuck probably. Neither of us fancied young McDork though.”

Giving evidence PC Dumpty, lying under oath, stated that McDork was "dressed suitably for the time of year", and "it wasn't a particularly cold evening".
Conversely the inquest had previously heard how Desmond McDork was spotted by various drivers, who had reported his situation to the police HQ, as wearing just a t-shirt on a night when winter temperatures dropped to about one degree Centigrade - which meteorologists refer to as "fuckin' freezing".

The court, before returning a verdict of misadventure, also heard details of a letter to the coroner from crown prosecutor Jack Frost, explaining that there had been insufficient evidence for a criminal prosecution against the officers as both PC’s Numpty and Dumpty had been cleared of criminal negligence in exercising their duty to the public by the ever-dependable Independent Police Coverups Commission.