Thursday, 16 April 2009

Man Arrested For Having Pot Pig

The Daily Shitraker is investigating reports that a team of armed police officers kicked in the front door of a British pensioner’s house at 05:00 in the morning, tasered him as he tried to get out of bed, then hauled him off – handcuffed and with a black bag over his head – in the back of an unmarked van.

Hector Hogg of Grunter’s Grove, Smegmadale, was dragged off to a Rockall-based extreme rendition centre and held for 42 days under the new Home Office counter terrorism detention laws. His crime : having an ornamental stone pig in the back garden which his paranoid Mister Plod neighbour claimed was put there to poke fun at him personally.

The 65 year-old Hogg, a retired tortoise polisher, was arrested on suspicion of terrorist offences in February and flown out to offshore Rockall’s ‘Happy Days’ extreme rendition centre where he underwent daily bouts of waterboarding torture and was repeatedly gang-raped by Albanian Muslim pikey inmates.

It was only during an investigation into his whereabouts by the Independent Police Coverups Commission, undertaken at the behest of his family and local MP, that the full story came to the attentions of the gutter press.

Hogg and his next door neighbour, PC Rastus O’Dinga, have an on-going dispute concerning a public right of way across the O’Dinga’s back garden.

Apparently O’Dinga being a typical police candidate (paranoid psychopath) took offence at Mr. Hogg having an ornamental black stone pig with white spots in his garden – interpreting it’s presence as a direct insult to himself – he being of African descent and inflicted with a white splotchy hypopigmentary albinism skin disorder.

Hogg, an avid self-sufficiency advocate, used to keep pigs in a back garden sty until complaints from local council sanitation officers put a stop to it. Once the sty’s porcine inhabitants were evicted he hung a sign on the outbuilding bearing the legend ‘No Pigs’.
Apparently this too sparked the ire of PC O’Dinga as being directed at him personally and an insult to all policemen.

Hogg was finally freed without charge after explaining to IPCC officials the black pig with white spots had been there for eight years, the same too with the ‘No Pigs’ sign on the sty - while PC O’Dinga had only lived next door for four.

Although he has been freed without charge, Hogg was cautioned to remove the ornamental pig from the garden of his home and also the ‘No Pigs’ sign.
He was further ordered, in grand Kafkaesque - Orwellian double-speak fashion to cease referring to the old pig house as a ‘sty’ and in future call it a ‘shed’.

A police force spokeswoman, Candida Fuctifino, told reporters: “We can confirm that a man was arrested and held on suspicion of harassment and other undetermined terrorist activities in relation to the incidences of a piggy ornament in the garden and also some highly offensive anarchist propaganda painted on a shed wall.”

PC O’Dinga has been suspended from duty, on full pay, pending an inquiry that he abused his authority as a police officer to concoct perjurious accusations against his neighbour in an attempt to spitefully ‘settle old scores’.
IPCC insiders furtively advised journalists “Don’t hold your breath on this one.”

Have you ever been the victim of false arrest? Would you like to be? What would you call a pig’s house – a shed - a hutch – a gazebo – a bungalow or a sty? Do you think we should call a ‘spade’ a ‘spade’ – even if it’s a shovel?

Fill out the online questionnaire below and you too can enjoy a pre-dawn visit from your local police force’s ‘Renta-Thug Squad’.

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