Saturday, 25 April 2009

Botox Betty Becomes Daughter’s Twin

Walking through Smegmadale town centre with Botox Betty and Feral Beryl McScrunt, you immediately notice the number of people staring at them as they walk past, commenting on their moronic Thunderbirds’ Lady Penelope facade.

In their white (size six), matching shell suits, peroxide blonde hair and rather heavy ‘Scrubbers’ brand make-up, they appear to fit in perfectly amongst the Friday night disco crowd of brain-damaged chavettes and slappers abroad for a few Meths Breezers and a quick back alley knee-trembler in the former Lancashire mill-town.

Botox Betty, it's fair to say, doesn't look - or dress - like your average 65-year-old.
"People think we must be twin sisters but they'd never believe we woz mother an’ daughter," she tells a reporter from the Yobette’s Weekly Review.

But her ability to fool people about her age hasn't come cheap. Betty reckons her cosmetic surgical enhancements have cost the NHS well over £50,000.

"I were a 34A/B and now I'm a melon-titted 34DD. I ‘ad me squinty eyes straightened an’ me nose reshaped by the same bloke who did Ricky Hatton’s, an’ I got me lips filled with silly putty so I can give a better gam.”

"I decided to do it cos I woz feelin’ like a real worn out old slag at the time wiv just getting’ done for benefit fraud and catchin’ a dose of clap off one of me customers at the Rub n Tug massage parlour.”

“Anyways, I goes to me doctor’s an’ tells ‘im I’m all suicidal an’ depressed an’ that kind of shit so ’e gets me signed up for a load of freebie NHS cosmetic surgery to boost me confidence.”

“Me 25 year-old daughter Beryl’s a real looker so I told the doctors I just wanted to look like ‘er. I ‘ad to go on a fuckin’ strict diet like for weeks, just eatin’ effin’ fruit an’ salads an’ veggies an’ all that kind of shit but I got meself down to a 22 inch waist an’ dress size 6 – same as Beryl.”

Betty, who never went to school, but often played with children that did, went on to reveal: “I’m gonna start an adult trainin’ course at college too – get me 11-plus or an NVQ or summat an’ learn to read an’ write like, then try an’ get me arse on the X-Factor wiv that Slimey Bowel bloke cos I’m not bad at singin’an’ I likes pole dancin’ too.”

And what does daughter Feral Beryl think of mother Betty’s youthful transformation?
“Well, I’m real fuckin’ ‘appy for her like, but I gets pissed off at times when we goes clubbin’ together an’ the blokes want ter shag ‘er more than me cos they reckon she’s a better looker.”

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