Thursday, 9 April 2009

Counter-Terror Chief Quits Due Major SNAFU

Britain's top counter-terrorism officer has quit after admitting he had caused an operational clusterfuck of Biblical proportions.

Captain Blob Slow resigned after he accidentally revealed a string of top secret documents concerning an imminent terrorist attack on the UK to a group of Islamic terrorists due mistaking them for friendly Mid-Eastern journalist types.

Following Slow’s capital FUBAR, officers from MI5’s Brazilian Electrician Squad of ‘shoot first – ask questions later’ team were forced to bring their operation forward and arrested twelve men - eleven of whom are believed to be Pakistanis or Indians – or Nigerians.

Gordon Brown said Captain Slow was sorry for what went wrong and that he had thanked him for his long service by putting him in charge of the Tower of London’s beef-eating ravens.

The prime minister also said Pakistan's government "had to do more" to root out the terrorist elements in its country – to which their foreign minister Ramjam Full replied “They’re not in our country – they’re in yours!”

PM Brown was reported to have turned one of his ‘deaf’ ears to an ensuing sermon about “What do you expect from Islamic militants when you illegally invade their friend’s countries just to steal their oil and opium crops and tell them that’s what Democracy is all about.”

Apparently Captain Slow was imbibing a few of pints of his favourite ‘Headbanger’ real ale brew in Whitehall’s famous Cormorant Strangler’s Arms pub after a hard day at the rendition centre when he was approached by three journalists who announced themselves as reporters from the Jolly Jihad Gazette.

Amiable chat and several matey arm-wrestling bouts led to discussions of infiltration by al Qaeda elements into Britain and Captain Slow, in a moment of inebriated braggado, showed the reporters his copy of an MI5 intelligence-led investigation and operational plan to pre-empt an imminent terrorist plot to blow up every branch of the Greedy Grocer supermarket chain across the entire country with sub-nuclear fissile explosive devices manufactured from Pound Stretcher shampoo, Bisto gravy powder and Vegemite.

Fortunately his sharp-eyed MI5 chauffer entered the pub for a packet of low salt sweaty tomcat flavoured crisps and a bottle of Monsanto’s Sunny D’ mutant orange drink when he noticed the journalists were sporting an assortment of Taliban, al Qaeda and Hezbollah smiley face lapel badges – with one journalist wearing a “Burn the Infidels” Jolly Jihad t-shirt.

The operation, and its subsequent raids in Manchester, Liverpool, Smegmadale and on the Isle of Dogs, then went ahead on Wednesday afternoon rather than 0200 BST on Thursday morning following Captain Slow’s pissed-up operational blunder.

Stop press: London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and ‘Second Home’ Secretary Jacqui Smith were reportedly separated and cautioned by Community Support officers after publicly engaging in a spat of name-calling, hair-pulling and face scratching over who should have called a press conference to announce Captain Slow’s resignation.

Apparently Mayor Nonsense, as chair of the Metropolitan Police Authority, decided to call a press conference as the Home Secretary was too busy being interrogated by the House of Conmans’ Committee on Standards concerning her dodgy expense claims.

No comments: