Saturday, 18 April 2009

O’Barmy Pardons Bush-era CIA Torturers

US President Barky O’Barmy today informed a reporter from the Extreme Rendition Gazette that CIA thugs who used ‘persuasive’ techniques on nasty and evil terrorism suspects during the Bush era will not be prosecuted.

Mr O’Barmy banned the use of interrogation methods such as Auto da Fe and blinding with hot irons during his first week in office but considers scrotum squashing and water boarding to be ‘character-developing rites of passage’.

After receiving a whistle-blowing report from a former Guantanamo Bay welfare officer, O’Barmy has now released a series of memos detailing techniques the CIA was approved to use under the rabid dog Bubba Bush administration.

Rights groups have criticised his decision to protect CIA agents involved in the interrogation procedures which they claim surpass the horrors inflicted on heretics and other Middle Ages non-conformists by the Vatican’s various Inquisitions.

Amnesty International said the Department of Justice was offering a "get-out-of-jail-free card" to individuals who were involved in acts of torture as they collectively claim : ’I was just following orders’ – the tried and tested ‘Nuremberg Defence’

The Centre for Constitutional Wrongs, which has championed the legal rights of the "war on terror" detainees, also expressed its chagrin that some of the Bush administration’s high-ranking arses weren’t going to get skinned and thrown into one of the US’s choice sodomite’s paradise slammers for life – if not longer.

The O’Barmy camp did not say that protection would extend to CIA agents who acted outside the boundaries laid out in the memos, such as Valerie Plame, or to those non-CIA staff involved in approving the interrogation limits.

That leaves open the possibility that the scumbag lawyers who manipulated legal aspects like silly putty in authorising the torture techniques - one of whom is now a federal judge - could yet face legal action – but don’t hold your breath on this.

However civil service insiders claim the O’Barmy administration doesn’t want any prosecutions going ahead, applying the philosophy that once people start throwing shit around some of it inevitably starts to stick to someone else.

O’Barmy’s critics state the move reiterated his previously-stated commitment to end the use of torture by CIA officers, and would protect those who acted within the defined limits set out by previous legal opinion on the use and application of such extreme rendition techniques as the rack, poking with sharp sticks, strappado, boiling in oil, 24 hour listening to The Smiths CDs, watching the X-Factor and force-feeding with McSlug’s Chew & Spew burgers.

Amnesty International analyst Tom Foolery told the Inquisition Weekly Review "These are criminal acts. Torture used to be illegal under American law, it's still illegal under International law. America has been very naughty and is obligated to prosecute the individuals who permitted or performed these acts – starting with the moronic ex-President Dubya and his shitbag VP Cheney."

Mr Foolery said the abhorrent decision to allow the use of pigs in interrogation was reminiscent of the Room 101 nightmare described by George Orwell in his seminal novel, 1984.

The approved tactic - to lock naked and hogtied al-Qaeda terrorist suspects, who are culturally terrified of pigs, inside a cramped cell filled with specially-trained Muslim-bonking porkers high on Viagra – had the suspects confessing to anything their interrogators wanted – including being responsible for sinking the Titanic and burning down the Reichstag.

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