Monday, 13 April 2009

Brits Believe in Heaven – and Hell

The majority of Britons believe in Heaven and a life after their mortgage is paid, according to a yet another pointless survey jointly undertaken by New Labour’s Ministry of Superstitions and the government-funded Tavistock Institute for Wasting Taxpayers Money.

The survey of 25 million unemployed landless peasants showed 55% believe they’ll receive Jobseeker’s Allowance or DSS welfare benefits until they reach the pensionable age of seventy, while 53% believe they’ll find another job when the recession ends in 2015, and 70% od semi-delusional realists believe they’ll have bailiffs knocking on their door before the year’s out.

It also revealed that nearly four in ten people, 39%, believe if a black cat crosses your path you’ll be made redundant by Friday, and 27% believe that they’ll actually get a fair deal at an Employment Tribunal if they represent themselves.

A further 95% hold steadfast to the belief that they could win the Saturday night Lotto jackpot if they go the whole week without treading on the joints between pavement flagstones.

Rev. Tom Foolery who runs the Agnostics Anonymous gullibility survey group, ‘Wankers’, told the Shitrakers Gazette that, in his estimation, television is to blame as the source of mass hypnosis and for brainwashing the country’s population of ‘sheeple’ to believe in any bullshit presented on the idiot box.

“Just look at the kids of today – teenagers still believing in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy – and the Easter Bunny. Their parents, and society in general, are to blame. Nobody wants the fantasy that there’s a benign omnipotent force somewhere in the Cosmos watching over them to be diluted or neutered.”
“Hence they cling to these absurd childhood delusional beliefs themselves and never teach their children it’s all a myth.”

A further 22% believe in astrology or horoscopes and 15% believe in fortune telling or Tarot card readings. 55% say they believe in the Jewish Holohoax, solely because they don’t want to be branded anti-Semites. 85% believe Lord Lucan is living in a shed behind Buckingham Palace (courtesy of his good mate Prince Phillip), with 90% of Britons believing JFK was shot by Grassy Knoll.

Archbishop of Cunterbury Rev. Hector McTwat, when questioned by the media on the existence of Hell replied with a candid : "Hell?- we’re already there – and Satan works for New Labour.”

He further stated "The enlightenment optimism in the ability of science and reason to explain everything went tits up years ago.”
"The extent of belief in any old crap will probably surprise people, but the findings are consistent with other research we’ve undertaken.”
"The results indicate that people have a very diverse and unorthodox set of pagan superstitious beliefs which haven’t changed – and let’s leave Darwin out here – since they were loping around on all four’s and living in caves.”

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