UK Budget to Reveal Economic Nightmare

The UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is due to issue a Budget statement from his Number 11 Downing Street bunker revealing that the severity of the economic downturn and ensuing recession is likely to be as severe as the one caused by the last Ice Age.

He is expected to unveil that soaring public bail-outs of incompetent banks and building societies have saddled the taxpayer with a debt that if repaid in £20 notes laid end to end would reach the Alpha Centauri star system – with enough cash left over for a three course lunch and a large latte.

Tax rises of 100% and spending cuts of 100% from tomorrow are likely as Darling sets out his plans to screw up the nation’s economy totally – prompting yet another gaggle of bankers and stockbrokers to defenestrate from the upper floors of the City of London’s Greedy Street financial institutions in displays of pants-shitting despair due losing their bonuses yet again.

Meanwhile, the International Monkey Business Fund (IMBF) has admitted it made a mistake when it claimed the UK faced a £200 billion bill for bailing out the nation’s bungling banksters and also the onset of the worst recession since the end of World War Two.

A Treasury spokesman said the under-estimated figure had been issued by the IMBF's Department for Advanced Guessology and was in total error as the amount exceeded £350 billion to date, and the recession was likely to be the worst since the War of the Roses ended in 1487.

Darling took over the Exchequer from Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown in 2007 on his lateral promotion to PM when the former disgraced top dog Tony Bliar pulled a tactical and timely resignation stunt to avoid being heckled out of office by a disgusted British public.

Since New Labour unfortunately came to power in 1997 Darling, a former rhubarb addict, has held the posts of Minister for Social Insecurity and Minister for Transport, both jobs he has managed to successfully fuck up beyond all recognition due his inept performance and unqualified arrogance, with ego far surpassing intellect.

The fact he’s as publicly popular as chemotherapy is reportedly due having his sense of humour surgically removed while supporting the Trotskyist Fourth International in the 1970’s.

Prime Minister Incapability Brown, waffling his customary trademark flannel, told the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that the Budget will plot a "green" route to economic recovery, with Darling expected to announce the world's first legally-binding budgets for greenhouse gases in an effort to get the UK to cut emissions by an ambitious 1% to 2% by 2055.

Brown further stated the challenge to politicians of all parties was to continue to pull the wool over the eyes of the voting peasantry lest they actually discover the extent of government malfeasance and deceit, kick starting a long-overdue revolution.

A £10 billion aid package aimed at boosting luxury house sales to oil-rich Arabs, African dictators and Third World refugees is expected to include a three-month extension of the stamp duty "holiday" on tents and cardboard boxes costing below £35 for homeless British families which will remain in place until the end of next week.

Tory Shadow chancellor George Snitchborne, MP for Grassers, told the BBC’s ‘Potty Politicians’ programme that estimates of the cost of the bank bail-outs showed the potentially massive cost of Darling's utter failure to understand the first thing about fractional reserve banking or financial derivative investments equating to betting next week’s housekeeping money on a casino roulette wheel.