Friday, 10 April 2009

Wrigley Pig Chewing Gum Factory Closes

Three thousand staff at a UK chewing gum factory are to be laid off due fresh bonkers Big Brother legislation from the EU fascist dictators in Brussels.

Staff at the Wrigley Pig gum factory in the Bendover area of Smegmadale will be made redundant after the Easter break following a slump in chewing gum sales due the imposition of tough new EU legislation banning the sale of gum throughout the European community because of it being spit out and fouling pavements – and causing a constipation crisis in many cities' pigeon populations.

However local councils throughout the European community, while being accused of hypocritical policies, are decrying the ban on gum sales.

The UK’s Minister for Sticky Things, Sir Morton Syrup, told a reporter from the Bubble Gum Gazette “We’ve built an actual infrastructure support system around the chewing gum problem.”

“Everyone and their dog spits the shit out onto the pavement once the flavour goes – then passers-by tread in it – flattening it out – so we have to employ a veritable army of local authority gum scrapers to clean the crap up and recycle it into ping pong balls or condoms.”

“It might sound hypocritical but the problem has generated a plethora of employment opportunities and with the ban on gum our ranks of minimum wage gum scrapers will be redundant.”

“And that’s without mention of the massive loss of council revenue from the insta-fines collected by our Community Support Gestapo officers from offenders caught gobbing the crap out onto the streets.”

Wrigley Pig's main competitor, Crapburys, entered the UK chewing gum market in 2006 and now faces the same production ban dilemma for it’s Betel Nut gum brand but contends it can fall safely back on it’s cushioning prestigious ‘crunchy cream carbuncle’ and ‘septic salmonella scabs’ confectionary product line.

However confectionery giant Cruddies, best known for its ‘Marianne Faithful’ chocolate bars - still to this day personally endorsed by Rolling Stones lead Mick Jigger in ‘loving memory’ – is rumoured to be set to buy the Wrigley Pig factory and franchise for what the Financial Times and Economic Review both termed ‘lots and lots of bloody money’.

Other household name chocolate brands from Cruddies include Sticky Knickers filling-puller bars and Monkey Dump choco cavity creator nuggets.

The Cruddies acquisition could well mean the Bendover factory will remain operational, with its gum production targeted for the Middle and Far Eastern markets where the indigenous populations will chew on anything to take their minds off the fact they’re starving – with a high-earning contraband potential aimed at Singapore where gum was banned by megalomaniac Prime Monster ‘Harry’ Lee Fuk Yew in 1992.

Possession of chewing gum in the island republic, where a single smuggled stick or tab’ can sell for up to £50, carries the death penalty followed by twenty strokes of the rotan and solitary confinement – in a coffin.

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