Thursday, 23 April 2009

Oz Transport Ministers : Serial Traffic Offenders

In the Australian federal states of New South Wales and Victoria, Transport Minister Kostas Fuctifino has resigned after consistently breaking traffic rules.

His abysmal driving record listed no less than 300 traffic offences - including speeding, running red lights, using a mobile for phone sex chats - and masturbating at the wheel, driving under the influence, one instance of hit and run – and unpaid fines totaling several hundred thousand Australian dollars.

Early on Monday morning, the minister, a former Albanian Pikey car boot pirate DVD vendor, was still convinced that saying ‘sorry’ and paying his outstanding fines would suffice.

However, by the end of the day he resigned after being laughed at by every bugger and their dog, agreeing with Prime Minister Kevin Crudd that he was a walking joke, a liability, and no longer a credible advocate for road safety.

Conversely, Fuctifino, a reformed rhubarb addict who originally entered the cabinet as Minister for Swan Roasting, has accepted a lateral promotion to the less critical post of Minister for Religious Affairs due his recent conversion to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Fuctifino will continue to be able to drive as he has only incurred three points on his licence. The hit and run charge of crashing into a bus shelter full of pissy-arsed abo’s while driving under the influence was dropped by the DPP due the fact none of the victims was wearing a crash helmet or safety belt – and all were too dead to give evidence against him.

Conversely, Queensland’s new Transport Minister Candida Twatrot has been named and shamed by the state’s Daily Shitraker newspaper for being repeatedly fined for speeding since she came to office.

Ms Twatrot, a 17 year-old mother of three, and the MP for Wallmaroo, has incurred five traffic offence fines since she entered parliament in January, with her most recent offence a month ago - for exceeding the speed of light in her Porche 928 S4 on the Brisbane – Cairns expressway.

"I take driving quite seriously when I’m sober and realise my individual responsibility in this regard of being a good example as transport minister.”
"I further realise, though, that this is all the more reason for me to be vigilant and observe the road rules.”
"Hence I will be making an additional effort to make sure I don't drop my guard on driving safely - by keeping my speed trap detector switched on at all times."

Queensland’s Premier Paul Twatrot (no relation) has defended the new transport minister's lead-footed history, informing the press that everyone is human and Candida’s simply a bit of a “clutchy cunt” when she gets behind the wheel.

Premier Twatrot further commented ”We have a demerit points system because people do make mistakes.”

”Now one driving offence is one driving offence too many for any of us - for you - for me - and definitely for the poor hapless peasant down the road who doesn’t know any judges or senior police officials to get the charges dropped.”

”But it's also important to remember that the government is full of stupid blokes and sheilas who fuck up royally and make a few mistakes after a good barbie and a session on the piss – and my sister – I mean the transport secretary – is no different.”

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