Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Monty Zuma Corruption Charges Dropped

Prosecutors in South Africa have announced they are dropping corruption charges against the Flying Circus Party (FCP) leader Monty Zuma.

Chief prosecutor Motok Moped Zuma (no relation) said a phone-tap device to eavesdrop on political interference in the investigation had been planted – in a flower pot inside Mr. Zuma’s office.

The chief prosecutor said the National Corruption Authority (NCA) had obtained recordings of phone conversations which suggested the timing of the decision to indict Mr Zuma in 2007 had been manipulated by ‘some very naughty persons’ so he had no choice but to withdraw the charges.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither desirable nor healthy for myself or the NCA to continue with the prosecution of Mr Monty Zuma now some kind person has opened me a numbered bank account in Zurich," Mr Zuma told his financial adviser at the African branch of the International Monkey-business Fund.

"It is a difficult decision because the NCA has expended considerable resources on this matter, and it has been conducted by a committed and dedicated team of prosecutors and investigators who have handled a difficult case with utmost professionalism and who have not been implicated in any misconduct, apart from accepting a basket of bananas – er – and a very small bungalow each in Florida," he added.

Mr Monty Zuma has always denied the allegations of graft, racketeering, money-laundering and baboon buggering in connection with various dodgy multimillion dollar arms and legs deals in the 1990’s.

He is expected to become president in the general elections on 22 April this year after all the opposition candidates have been snuffed by his militia or fled the country for their own safety.

The Minister of Nepotism Desmond Two-Three Zuma (no relation) says the FCP office in Pogostick greeted with jubilation the decision, which was broadcast live on radio and television channels.

He then read out transcripts of recorded conversations between former NCA head Bulelani O’Zuma (no relation) and the ex-Minister of Smuggling Leonard McZuma (also no relation), the man who later led the now-disbanded anti-corruption unit known as ‘The Corruptors’.
The other Mr Zuma said the pair had discussed timing charges against the FCP president Zuma to cause political damage.

"Mr O’Zuma used the legal process for a purpose outside and extraneous to the prosecution itself," he said. "It was pure abuse of process," Mr Zuma added.
(Mr Monty Zuma was first charged in 2005, but has never been convicted as witnesses against him have the habit of becoming X-Files)

The charges were dropped the following year, but he was recharged 10 days after he defeated former South African President Thabo M’biscuit in elections to be the FCP's leader in December 2007.
Last year Judge Blingie MacZuma (no relation) ruled that there had been no political meddling in the case.

With only a few months to go to the elections, Mr Zuma then lodged a legal request for the charges to be reviewed after a bus load of witnesses against him accidentally drove over a cliff in the Transvaal Province flatlands, killing all on board including the FCP’s ex-Minister for Firewood – Joshua Charcoali .

There is expected to be an outcry from other disaffected political parties to the news. They have previously condemned any move to drop proceedings against the FCP leader, saying it would be a clear interference in the judiciary by the FCP-controlled government.

Earlier, opposition Inkatha Freedom Party leader Mangochutney de Zuma, a former coconut juggler, told the BBC: "If de charges are just dropped when der is no trial it seems to me dat de stink of what dey accused him of will not go away.”
Closing with a philosophical and literate note from his ‘Politics for Dummies’ handbook, Mr. de Zuma told reporters “Somethin’ smell very bad in Denmark an’ it am not Hamlet’s socks."

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