Brits Know Ten Recipes by Heart

The average British common or garden peasant can make ten meals from scratch without having to look at a recipe, according to a recent survey carried out by Channel 69’s ‘Pigswill Platters’ programme.

Cheese on toast is the most popular dish in England with 55% of people saying they know the recipe by heart, 20% claiming to have a relative who cooks it on a regular basis, 15% stating they usually phone a friend for advice, with the remaining 10% adamant that it smells like old socks and they’d sooner eat a bowl of ripe dog shit with a crust on.

The traditional egg and chips dinner comes in second place with 54% of the stalwart British public able to prepare it unaided. If this is expanded to a full sausage, egg and chips banquet then 78% admitted they were flummoxed and asked guidance from their mum.

The survey, commissioned by Channel 69’s Pigswill Platters to mark the return of its Clunts in the Kitchen show, involved questioning a mix of 3,000 unemployed peasants and several scores of hoodies living at HM Asbo Central Correctional facility.

However, the survey suggests the average cook is more comfortable tossing trays of ready-made foreign dishes into the microwave than preparing British classics from scratch.

Baked beans is the third most popular dish for cooks to attempt, with 42% saying they can manage to open the can and heat it up without looking at a cookbook or recipe online. A further 65% reckoned they could also toast a couple of rounds of pre-sliced bread to act as the traditional crusty bed for the steaming hot beans.

Some 45% of cooks feel confident they can prepare the classic Italian dish of lasagne if the instructions on the microwave pack are in English.

The research defined a recipe as a main course dish containing three or more ingredients – such as fish fingers, chips, and tomato ketchup.

Only 16% of those aged under 25 could prepare a bowl of corn flakes with milk, compared with 45% of those aged 56 and over who had a fair idea of how to make the traditional and much loved ‘Irish Mixed Grill’ favourite, comprised of boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes and chips.

Conversely a 75% mix of men and women admitted being regular viewers of TV’s ubiquitous Celebrity Chef programmes, with 40% relating they had, at least on one occasion, attempted to emulate the master cooks’ preparations.

Frank McTwat, an unemployed Zeppelin mechanic, related “I got right into it, watchin’ that Gordon effin’ Ramsbottom cookin’ up all kinds of good tasty shit an’ swearin’ at every fucker."
"So I thought “brilliant” an’ got me arse into gear an’ had a go meself – wearin’ a faggy apron an’ a daft chef’s hat – even down to gobbin’ it an’ swearin’ me effin’ head off just like old Gordon.”
“Anyways, I had three pans and the oven on the go at the same time an’ pissed off down the pub for a quick pint an’ a ciggy an’ the effin’ lot got on fire an’ burned me kitchen down. The missus was not a happy woman.”

Virginia Mufitch, presenter of the Pigswill Platters programme, said: "It’s pretty obvious Brit’s prefer to go to the local take-away or the chippy after a few pints in the pub. The more adventurous seem inclined to make the effort and stock their freezers up with microwave ready meals from their local Greedy Grocer outlet.”

The study further revealed British cooks own an average of five recipe books each, usually unwanted Christmas or birthday gifts, or some ‘can’t resist’ bargain picked up at a car boot sale for 50 pence – 95% of which get stuck on a shelf in the kitchen to gather dust.

A startling 38% surveyed claimed to have tried Ray Mears pre-packed ‘Bush Tucker’ roadkill specials on their barbeques but lacked the talents to run their own meals over with a car.

The Greedy Grocer supermarket’s Albanian 'Gyppo' line of oven-ready produce also proved popular for kitchen-shy Brits, with Pikey Pete’s Organic Roast Swan and the microwave Hedgehog Hash topping the sales inventory.

The British all-time classical favourites are listed below :

Cheese on toast (65%)
Egg and chips (54%)
Baked beans on toast (42%)
Greedy Grocer microwave lasagne (41%)
Corn Flakes – with milk (16%)
Fish fingers (38%)
Spam fritters (34%)
Jam butties (32%)
Greedy Grocer 2 for 1 Insta-Pizzas (30%)
Squirrel Curry - take-away (26%)

Source: Channel 69 Pigswill Platters.

* Racial & Cultural Equality Commission footnote : Cheese on toast is an English dish, but known as ‘Welsh Rarebit’ to their Brythonic Celt sheep-shagging Taffy neighbours.