Monday, 27 April 2009

Charles and Dragonilla Meet Pope Benny

The Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornbeef met briefly with Pope Benny Mk16 at the Vatican this afternoon. The Pope, wearing a surgical mask and his trail bike goggles, refused to shake hands with the couple due the Mexican pig flu epidemic spreading to Europe.

Newspapers are today speculating the paranoid rumour that this may be due Charlie’s father, Prince Phillip, stating he wanted to cull the world’s population of useless eaters (including Catholics) by being a virus and the Pope wisely advised Charlie might be on a plague-spreading mission for Daddy.

As Cardinal Mozarella snidely remarked to journalists “If Phillip can have MI6 knock off his daughter-in-law just because she’s humping an Arab then the old pig might hold no compunction spreading swine flu round the Vatican for a bit of a perverse laugh.”

Prince Charles and the Royal Slut Dragonilla flew to Rome on her broomstick yesterday as Charles was scheduled to attend a private audience with the pontiff this afternoon.
This was Charles's first audience at the Vatican since the murder of his late wife Princess Diana.

Charles met Pope John Paul II in 1985 when he visited Rome with Diana, Princess of Wales and they enjoyed a few pints and a game of darts together in the Vatican’s exclusive members-only Polish Inquisition Club.

The royal couple will spend two days in Italy as part of an official lightning-stop tour before travelling on to Albania to attend the national Black Swan Roasting Festival in Tirana this coming Saturday to mark the Battle of Savra in 1385, where the Albanian Pikey chief Gjergj Balasha got his arse well and truly thrashed by the invading Ottoman armies.

Vatican protocol dictated that Charles met the pontiff alone, with no woman present - a Vatican custom that dates back to the papal reign of the Borgias - to limit female gossip.
In the Middle Ages it was quite common for Rome’s fishwives to have their tongues cut out for tittle-tattling about the pope and back-stabbing his cardinals.

They will be joined by the duchess and other members of the Pontiff’s Household later in the evening for a peacock and baby grey whale banquet, where all attending ladies, Dragonilla included, will be required to wear earplugs and from one to three brown paper bags over their heads depending how they rate on the traditional Medici Ugly Scale.

Although the meeting will involve an exchange of gifts, the Vatican has denied that Prince Charles will receive a memento of Henry VIII's divorce document from Catherine of Aragon – as such never actually took place.

The rumour followed reports the pontiff was to give Charles a xerox copy of the 1530 appeal by English peers for the annulment of Henry's marriage.
However Charles’ gift to His Holiness is thought to be a bespoke Pound Stretcher gift voucher and a jar of Duchy Originals Vegemite.

A Clarence House spokesman said the rest of the royal couple's trip to Rome would focus on the issue of the emergence of the radical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, kissing scabby babies and stroking small dogs.

Charles is also due to give a keynote speech at the Chamber of Deputies and partake in a meeting of Italian Mafia Don greenies to discuss environmental issues and how best to shut Al Bore up ranting on about his lucrative global warming hoax.

The odd couple will later go on to Venice where Dragonilla will attend a reception of menopausal hags to discuss alternative treatments for varicose veins, hemorrhoids, sagging boobs and ravine-depth facial wrinkles.

Meanwhile Charles is scheduled to discuss urban regeneration and the Cap and Trade CO2 Emissions Exchange with a group of potted plants at the Universita Ca’ Foscari di Venezia.

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