Saturday, 11 April 2009

Thai Protestors Screw up Asean Leaders' Summit

A summit of Asian leaders, in Thailand to discuss a fair splits agreement regarding divvying up income from the region’s drugs trade and endemic corruption, has been postponed after anti-government protesters broke into the venue at the southern beach resort of Pattaya.

The Thai government has declared a state of emergency in Pattaya, and Prime Minister Avashit Vasectomy said his first priority was to ensure the other leaders escaped with their skins intact too.

Several leaders from the Association of South-East Asian Nations (Asean) have now been airlifted from the area by magic carpet and hot air balloons since the protestors camped out across Pattaya’s airport runway.

Thailand has been politically fucked up like a proverbial soup sandwich due it’s idiotic clinging to a constitutional monarchy that has long passed its shelf life and use by date - with several opposition groups demanding parliament be dissolved and a new government elected that at least has a few honest officials in its ranks.

As the summit was due to get underway in Pattaya, thousands of the red-shirted protestors led by anarchist Onabike Shellsuit from the ‘Landless Peasant Fucks’ party, and supporters of ousted and exiled Prime Minister Foreskin Shitawaterat, smashed into the media centre adjacent to the conference hall riding elephants and armoured tuk-tuk's

Hector McTwat, foreign correspondent for the Daily Shitraker - in Bangkok to pick up his latest Thai mail order bride from school - says the government have spent months organising the summit, but security around the venue collapsed in a matter of minutes as thousands pushed their way through the rice paper maximum security cordons and police chief Sandbag Kuntrat decided discretion was the better part of valour and did a timely bunk with his officers in tow.

Thai riot police had been studying the crowd control tactic known as ‘kettling’ -used by London’s Metropolitan Police Force’s ‘Brutal Bully Brigade’ riot teams last week to great effect in addressing the G20 summit protest demonstrations to corner and beat to death any innocent middle aged passer-by that caught their sadistic fancy.

However Amnesty International lodged damning complaints accompanied by video footage and eye witness statements with both the King of Thailand and the UN Secretary General Bang Ka-Boom concerning the barbaric practice of the riot police in the south of the country ‘kettling’ Muslim separatist rebels by tossing them hogtied into an iron vat of boiling water.

Prime Minister Avashit Vasectomy, in a statement broadcast live on TV, admitted the Asean summit had turned into a gross humiliation for his government but vowed the postponed meeting would go ahead next week – in Singapore.

The summit has now been rescheduled for next Saturday and is due to include, apart from all the regular south-east Asian nations' ruling oligarchs and crooks, a few bent bastards from India, Australia, Papua New Guinea, Papua Old Guinea, and New Zealand – and a delegation of Rockhopper penguins from Antarctica.

"The Asean-China summit has been postponed because of the attempts to debag and castrate the summit leaders," Thai government spokesman Panscrubber Wattdafuck told reporters.

Deputy Thai government spokesman Supadupa Jambutty said the government may consider investigating unconfirmed reports that three thousand people were shot and wounded in the protest clashes.

Earlier, riot police separated the opposition protesters wearing yellow and red shirts from hundreds of blue-shirted government supporters.
The pink-shirted Faggots Party protesters, comprised 100% of pre-op’ ladyboys, evacuated the area in a Chinese fire drill type stampede of hysterical screaming once ice cold water hoses were turned on them.

The blue-shirted government supporters (agent provocateurs) were armed with assault rifles and grenades while the yellow and red shirted protesters could be seen wielding sticks of rhubarb and at least one frozen fish.

The foreign ministers of China, Japan and South Korea had to cancel a trilateral session because of their kimchi buffet being eaten by the hungry invading protestors.

A separate session - between Japan and China - was cancelled after Chinese Premier Who Wat Wen shit his pants after being cornered by protestors and the Japanese Minister for Food Additives, Aji No Moto, was hurled from a 30th storey window with a Mongolian gherkin rammed up his rectum.

The exiled Mr Shitawaterat’s supporters in the United Front for a Share of the Corruption party (UFSC) accuse PM Avashit Vasectomy’s government of being a muppet of the military chief Lt Gen Pisspot Visacard.
They claim he took office illegitimately and should commit ritual seppuku so fresh elections can be held.

The BBC's Far East correspondent in Pattaya, Pollywog Shitacricket, told the media the summit’s security arrangements were ‘a circus without a tent’ and that he’d definitely seen better organised riots.

Are you in Thailand to stir up dissent and revolution, and overthrow the monarchy of King Bumiballs Yodel-ayyee. (the Rama IX model) ?
Do you have a mail-order Thai bride? Do you help her with school homework?
Do you think Democracy sucks big-time? Have you blown up any large government buildings recently? Have you ever set fire to a Buddhist monk?

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