Fat Gits Causing Global Warming

This week’s Dogwanker’s Review headline reveals that being overweight is bad for the environment as well as your health, according to the results of a leaked survey financed by the Ministry for Wasting Money.

Researchers at the London School for Idiotic Studies found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than skinny people because they eat more food and their cars consume more fuel to move the extra weigh around.

The study blamed an increased demand for livestock production for meat, believed to be responsible for 20 per cent of all greenhouse gases due to the toxic methane emitted from the arseholes of milk and beef cattle, porky pigs, chickens – and – fat gits.

The study added that a higher dependency on cars was also a contributing factor. When it comes to food consumption, moving about in a flabby body is like driving around in a gas guzzler.

Morton Scrunt, editor of the Fat Git’s Gazette, claims "The heavier our bodies become the harder and more unpleasant it is to move about in them and the more dependent we become on cars and 4 x 4 mobility scooters – when teletubbies can actually get their obese arses off the couch and go somewhere apart from the larder.”

The study found that ‘slim’ nations like Ethiopia and Sudan consume almost 85 per cent less food than their Western contemporaries due famine, hence produce fewer carbon emissions than a more overweight population, such as the US, where 90 per cent of people have been chronic fat gits since graduating from kindergarten.

The researchers estimated that a lean population of one billion non-smokers on a vegetarian or macro-biotic diet would emit 1,000 million tonnes less carbon dioxide per year than a population of one billion lard-arsed couch spuds guzzling chew n spew fast food crap and swilling down gallons of fizzy soft drinks and Stella Headbanger lager.

In nearly every Western First World country average body mass index (BMI) is still rising regardles of the deepening economic recession. Current EU plans to impose a ‘flab’ tax on fat gits across the European community is conservatively estimated to fill Brussels’ coffers with over £50 billion per annum.

UK PM Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown announced today that he has instructed party whips to ensure all New Labour MP’s adhere to a strict diet to comply with the forthcoming EU legislation, apart from John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott, who has been exempted and labelled a ’hopeless case’.