Sunday, 5 April 2009

Britain Faces Food Price Hike Crisis

A crisis is unfolding in the UK as the once-pompous middle classes join the ranks of the common or garden landless peasants, and millions of unemployed paupers and penniless bankers in the struggle with rising food prices and living in cardboard boxes, the Save Yer Own Arse charity has warned.

It comes as new figures from the Greedy Grocer magazine show food prices rose at a similar level to those in Zimbabwe. According to the magazine a typical basket of 33 items of food and drink, ranging from jam Swiss rolls to Instant Spam Fritters cost £28 a year ago. That same basket has now risen to £157.50.

On Monday, the Save Yer Own Arse charity will launch a crisis grant scheme to help malnourished families.
The government’s Ministry for Boiled Eggs says it believes food prices have peaked and it is tackling child poverty by increasing pocket money by as much as five pence per week.
Further, they plan to distribute ‘under sixteens’ discount vouchers for White Lightning cider, Meths Breezers and Lambert & Bullshit high tar cigarettes at all of their neighbourhood Asbo Chat centres and local offices of Adopt-a-Hoodie.
Full strength Prozac will also be freely available at branches of Jobcentre Plus and the DSS, and in all schools - including kindergarten.

Candida Muffrot, of the Who-Ate-Granny's-Lunch? charity informed the nutrition correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette : "We are facing a crisis. Benefits simply haven't been enough and with rising food costs it means that families cannot afford to give children proper decent junk food anymore.”
“The poor kids have been on a downhill run since that old battleaxe twat Margaret Thatcher kiboshed their free school milk ration.”

"We’re heading towards a gross malnutrition calamity here in the UK – very similar to Darfur and Eritrea”, Ms. Muffrot continued. “Families can no longer afford to put the basic staple British foods on the table. Just look at the price of Spam, and egg and chips is no longer a viable Sunday dinner treat.”

Chardonnay McSlag, a 13-year-old single mother of three young children, said her family was struggling on a food budget of ten pence each per day.
“Yer know like, I wanna spend der fuckin’ money on pizzas and good wholesome shit like that but der kids want me ter buy em dolly mixtures and Sunny D’ orange drinks, an’ dat leaves me next ter fuck all for me fags an’ vodka an’ de odd bifta when I goes to me bingo sessions.”

87-year-old pensioner Rita Scrunt told the media “Once you get into the supermarket then you’ve got to start lookin’ where the security guards are, and where the CCTV cameras are pointin’ – then you can rip the bar code labels off a few small items – like a chicken leg or a sausage roll - an’ stick ‘em down yer knickers. I normally wear me best false teeth an’ get a few bites out of stuff while I’m walkin’ up and down the aisles.”

Kate Smegma, of the Madonna Rent-a-Kid charity group, reported that many families were buying less Aberdeen Angus beef steaks or top of the range Beluga caviar – or vintage wines - and consuming more affordable groceries such as recycled high protein cardboard biscuits and Chinese milk powder – all of which are higher in sugar, salt and fat, white paint and other toxic waste by-products.

"It's just not fair - we have to go for the cheapest of everything and it's just not doing us any good. Too much salt, too much fat, too much depleted uranium – all this cheap crap just isn't good enough.”
“Last week we were all that hungry we boiled the front door mat for two hours and ate it enchilada-style - wrapped in toasted sheets of the Daily Sport. It tasted quite good too, apart from all the cat hairs."

Seasonal wild produce such as fresh squirrel, dandelions, grass and nettles have caused a small drop in monthly figures, but the cost of basic essentials remains high.
The RSPCA has voiced concerns over the incidence of household pets disappearing into the oven and coming out as the family dinner.

One 97-year-old Smegmadale pensioner, Doris Bogbrush was cautioned by Community Support bullies last week for sitting in the church cemetery eating the flowers placed on gravestones to mark the recent Mother’s Day.

Conversely the government maintains it will meet its target of halving child poverty by 2010 as over half the under sixteen population of the UK will have died from malnutrition by them.

Have you found yourself having to fork out more at the supermarket for the same amount of crap? Do you think Monsanto’s Frankenstein Foods are the answer to the problem? Are you finding it increasingly difficult to have satisfying daily bowel movements after eating cardboard? Do you think Ray Mears should be the next Minister of Agriculture, Foods and Fisheries?

Please send us your comments using the form below and you could win a copy of our ‘Shoplifting for Dummies’ and a candle-lit pizza dinner for two at your local Chew & Spew restaurant.

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