Thursday, 2 April 2009

MPs to Censor Own Expense Claims

In a wholly pointless exercise of transparency under the Freedom of Information Act MPs will this week be shown copies of millions of receipts and other documents due to be published under the Freedom of Information Act (limited edition).

In what the non-aligned public political sentinel SleazeWatch termed as the ‘most blatant arse-covering scam Parliament has come up with since the Iraqi ‘weapons of mass distraction’ enquiry and the David Kelly murder inquest’, MPs will be invited to redact their own expenses receipts, blacking out information they do not want to disclose – such as bills for viewing kinky hard core porno movies on BSkyB’s Slut-n-Slag channels, and premium rate calls to dial-a-wank 0976 phone sex numbers.

The House of Conmans is spending thousands of pounds paying MI6 security-cleared specialist contractors Wallace & Gromit (SA) to remove any sensitive information like Happy Ending massage parlour receipts or male prostitute paid-for gay sex invoice details from MP’s expense claims.

But even after the contractors have vetted the documents, MPs will review their claims and make further changes of their own – even up to shredding anything too dodgy – or embarrasing - to allow falling under public scrutiny.

Harriet Hardface, the Leader of the House of Conmans, told a reporter from the Whitewash Review the redaction process is necessary to preserve the privacy of MP’s distatesful peccadilloes.
However the editing process has raised fears that MPs will use the opportunity to keep some information secret and even to delay the whole publication, which is supposed to take place by 2015.

Following a court ruling in January every receipt submitted for expense claims by MPs since 2004 should be published later this century : around 12 million in all.
The receipts show how MPs use the £24,000-a-year additional costs allowance, which is meant to pay for a YMCA dormitory bed or an en suite room in a Peckham squat but often gets spent on booze and drugs, kinky paid-for sex and BD/SM fetish parties.

But in discussions with MPs, Ms Hardface has suggested that information like the names and addresses of bordellos and casinos, and even the time and date purchases were made, should be blacked out to prevent the disclosure of sensitive personal information like who’s fucked who in the arse – or who accepted a fat brown envelope full of nasty insider trading cash – for doing what.

While in a perfect world, where government is ruled by a Montesquieu set of checks and balances, public sector bodies required to publish expenses claims give the task of editing to other people not involved in the case – such as neutral private sector auditors.

Allowing the subjects of a disclosure request to edit documents themselves is not only unusual but pathetically moronic inasmuch the one’s guilty of abusing the expenses system are purposely being presented with the opportunity to corrupt the documents and remove all traces of their wrongdoing.

If this proposed corrupt scheme goes ahead, the MPs' changes will then be submitted to the House of Conmans ‘Numpty Dumpty' department officials working for ‘Gorbals Mick’ Martin, the Lower House Speaker, who has appointed David Blunkett to cast a sharp discerning eye over each expense statement personally before ordering the lot shredded.

Do you redact your own expense statements? What porn movie did your husband jack off to while you were busy in Parliament claiming your ‘second home’ allowance? Have you ever claimed expenses for a shed in your sister’s garden?
What’s your favourite 0976 phone sex number? Did you ever claim for a caravan or disued schoolhouse on Greedy Twats Island? Have you ever claimed for a dress size 18 military issue ‘Stabvest’

Fill in our online questionairre below and someone from the FSA’s Fraud Squad will be round for a chat later in the week.

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