Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Greedy Grocer Sales Top £1 Billion per Week

The Greedy Grocer supermarket chain has reported underlying annual pre-tax profits of £300.15 billion, an improvement of 1000% on the previous year.

Its sales topped £1 billion a week for the first time with group sales coming in at £65.4 billion : an amount City of London economic experts and banksters refer to as “lots and lots of fucking money”.

Sir Morton Twatsworth, CEO of the Greedy Grocer group told the BBC’s ‘Grabbing Gits’ consumer issues programme that he was confident the retailer would "continue to maintain its strangulation monopoly even in the current global economic recession".

The Greedy Grocer 2008 -2009 annual shareholders’ statement claims that in the UK it had coped well with maintaining its continuing endeavours to put competitors and small family High Street traders out of business.

It further claims to have managed to increase both the number of customers coming into its stores and the average amount they were spending, due issuing government guaranteed no-limit credit cards to anyone and their dog over the age of eleven.
As the group’s motto states “Every little helps our profits”.

The number of free plastic carrier bags used during the year fell by 50%, due them purposely being moved to the other side of the check-out desks and prompting a gorgonising stare from the ‘green’ cashier if a customer dares ask for one, with their loyalty card being revoked and name entered into Homeland Security’s global warming terrorist data bank.

Conversely, sales of their shitty Third World sweat shop-produced Hessian ‘Bag for Life’ sales increased 75% once the Al Bore 'climate-friendly' autographed edition hit the shelves and patrons cottoned on to the fact they were ideal for shoplifting.

It was further claimed that a quarter of all grocery transactions now went through their new annoying self-service checkouts as long as they were supervised 24/7 by some agile and footsore jobsworth, with only 65% of customers actually kicking the moronic machines to pieces in frustration, and a mere 40% shouting “Fuck it!” halfway through their aggravating check-out process, abandoning their groceries and going round to friendly Scumsburys instead.

The UK retail grocery consumer regulator ‘Scumwatch’ claim the Greedy Grocer attracted customers originally with its stocks of established quality traditional products, got them ensnared with their store loyalty and platinum limit credit cards, then have systematically ceased to stock competitors products, instead filling the shelves with their own crap-brand Greedy Grocer equivalents.

Scumwatch spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble told reporters “Their 'Every little helps our profits' motto should be changed to “Conning the debt-ridden public a little more each day.”
“Seriously, our surveys reveal the Greedy Grocer supermarket chain is now the anal sex of British business - people either love it or hate it.”

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