Swine Flu : Your Questions

Illuminati NWO agents provocateur around the world are striving to spread a new flu virus suspected of killing more than 300 people in Mexico after being pilfered from the Fort Detrick US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Disease then released in Mexico City to start a global pandemic.

With over 40 of the West’s top micro-biologists falling victim to the ‘deaths in mysterious circumstances’ syndrome in the last four years, no wonder people are getting paranoid that this one might just be the global killer on a par - if not worse - than the 1918 ‘Spanish Lady’ global flu pandemic that wiped out what historians refer to as a "lot of fucking people".

The negative economic effects of the H1N1 Pig Flu outbreak are already being felt around the world with close-contact professions such as hairdressing, rugby, lap dancing and rub n tug massage ceasing to operate.

So to stir up fears and kick-start a global panic the Daily Shitraker news online put a number of your questions to swine flu expert Morona Porkstein, Head of Pandemic & Genocide Planning at the Rothshite Zionist College of General Quackery in Tel Aviv.

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS :

My ‘friend’ recently got back from Mexico and has been feeling ill with difficulty breathing, has spasms of grunting and when his appetite has returned, makes a pig of himself.
Yesterday he suffered a massive fart attack and several feet of slimy purple intestines were blasted from his rear orifice. I haven't been able to contact the doctor as he’s away on holiday in Acapulco. What do you advise? Sarah Numpty, Smegmashire, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Basically your friend has the symptoms of a spot of common stomach flu. If he craps out any major organs or his entire colon, then at this point Paracetamol or Lemsip should be taken every four hours. For more detailed advice it might help to contact NHS Direct.

What is the incubation time of swine flu - from point of exposure to actually dying? Mrs Candida Twatrot, Scunthorpe, UK

Dr Porkstein :
I don't believe we know enough yet about this new genetically-mutated pig flu that has been developed at Fort Detrick to start a global pandemic. From what the Bio-Warfare Gazette’s sales brochure states you should be dead in a couple of days -hopefully.

Is the basic flu jab sufficient to protect against this virus? Janice Dork, Cuntbury, UK

Dr Porkstein :
To be honest – for a change – absolutely not. None of the shit works, it’s loaded with evil crap such as mercury, and will not only deliver a dose of some other nasty pathogen but your own personal 666 Big Brother microchip.

When flu symptoms arise we are told not to bother the doctor, stay at home, keep warm and drink lots of water. Good advice usually but in this case, how do you know when it is necessary to contact the doctor? Lesley Snotford, Syphillis-on-Sea, UK

Dr Porkstein :
It is good advice. However, once an infected person goes cold and stiff and is no longer making any moaning and groaning noises, then that’s usually a good sign you can safely bypass the doctor all together and call the undertaker directly. My advice would be that as soon as you issue the first sneeze, stop paying your bills and go on a bender with a few infected friends – eat plenty of tasty high-cholesterol junk foods, smoke a couple of spliffs and enjoy a bottle or three of Meths Breezers.

How does 'flu' actually 'kill' someone? How long does it take from becoming infected with the virus to actually dying? Graham Munt, Sewerage Sands, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Seasonal flu is an unpleasant illness but one that normally leads to complete recovery within a week or so for most people. Conversely, with this mutated strain of man-made H1N1 pig flu virus, specifically engineered at Fort Detrick to be airborne, it should kill you in a few short days – usually by filling your lungs with septic festering phlegm so you actually choke to death. Could be worse – a car accident or something.

The swine flu is from Mexico but how did it come about and is it going to spread in the UK? Sana Ratwarbler, Rottingham, UK

Dr Porkstein :
The official line is that it was transferred to humans by Mexican swine-herding peasant shagging their pigs. Obviously no government wishes it to be known this is a weapons-grade bio-plague that’s being spread deliberately to cull the Earth’s over-population of useless eaters. Don’t worry, you’re not going to miss out on anything - the UK will be in the centre of a pandemic by next week.

Is there a risk that if the emerging swine flu H1N1 virus comes into contact with the established bird flu H5N1 virus that the two could mix and cause an even bigger pandemic risk? Gladys Scrunt, Knobingdon, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Absolutely, and that’s precisely what the Illuminati’s Masonic psychopath elite are hoping for – so we achieve a swifter infection to kill ratio globally. Oh, don’t worry about us – we already have tried and tested vaccines to immunise ourselves.
It’s just the common herd – including yourself – that’s going to get it in the proverbial neck.

We have booked a holiday to Cancun Mexico in August and have got young children too. Should we cancel and go elsewhere? Myroulla Unpronounceablename, London, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Well, if you have any common sense at all I’d recommend staying well away from Mexico for the next fifty years. However, why bother making that long and expensive flight when you’ll probably be infected with the flu well before August just by remaining in London.

We are a GP surgery with over 80,000 patients. We are obviously awaiting guidance from the Dept of Health. In our pandemic flu plan we have been advised by our local PCT to provide 8 masks a day per member of staff - could you clarify the projected usage of a mask - ie: should they be treated like surgical gloves and disposed of after one use? Sandra Shylock, Ramsbottom, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Masks are ineffective when they become damp or after a few hours in the most general of instances. However, with this newly-tarted up virulent version of the H1N1 virus it has been genetically designed to be so small it can penetrate the mask’s micro-filter. So, whatever you do, basically you’re fucked.

I have no spleen and I'm concerned that I will find it hard to fight the flu virus if contracted. Is there anything I can do to pre-prepare myself? Virginia Muffitch, Gravesend, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Two options - one is to shut yourself in the fridge until the pandemic has finished ravaging the rest of the world. The other is to buy yourself a nice comfy coffin today and not end up in one of those nasty cheap plastic things like the half million that are stacked up in Georgia. Go on – treat yourself to a spot of End of Days Apocalyptic comfort on your credit card.

Do you have any other questions you would like to ask Dr. Porkstein about swine flu or would you rather not bother?

The Rev. Hardly Fuctifino, spokesman for the Church of the Sacred Cosmopolitan Porcupine (Department for Optimism & Yeast Logic) dismissed Dr. Porkstein's terror-mongering and told reporters from the Bio-Hazards Review that exposure to even a minor portion of any shitraking tabloid or TV news media - especially Fox or CNN - means - at best, uninformed blind panic - at worst a miserable death in an NHS trust hospital corridor.

Infections due exposure to panic-mongering journalists usually manifest in an abnormally high level of fretting, worrying and anxious nail-biting, developing over a period of days into mild panic, a paranoid fear of crowds and all forms of mass transit coupled with a psychotic craving to stockpile essential commissary such as Greedy Grocer cans of economy Spam and Monsanto’s Finest Sunny D’ mutant orange drink.