Friday, 24 April 2009

Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks

Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world – and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall.

A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February this year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran.
The female birds will be released after the males have had time to establish territories: by pecking the fuck out of each other.

The last sighting of a tartan grouse on the island was said to be in 1997, when the Conservative party was ousted by New Labour, and the local council, led by the Margrave of Rockall, Squire Desmond MacDunce, (Tory MP for Old Scrotum and Minister for Garden Sheds) went on a vengeful rampage of wholesale ‘scorched earth’ slaughter, beating the heather from one end of the island to another in an act of avian genocide - shotguns a’blazing - to prevent the freshly-elected socialist government from ever deriving sport by hunting the isle’s unique fowl.

This massacre and carnage resulted in the tartan grouse population being decimated to the point of extinction on the island, with several breeding braces shitting themselves and flying off to Arran.
The indigenous Killiwacky bird stocks were also reduced by 50% during the ballistic frenzy, plus the total number of Rockall’s landless peasant beaters shot indiscriminately and wholly annihilated as what was deemed ‘a just reward’ for voting Labour.

The scheme to reintroduce the evasive game fowl is being run by the newly-formed Rockall Tartan Grouse Group, the National Trust for Isolated North Atlantic Crags, and the Rockall Blood Sports Society.

The birds have been electronically tagged so their movements can be tracked by the geostationary ‘Rock-Sat’ weather satellite during their first breeding season on the island, doing away with need for beaters as they can in future be pinpointed, via satnav positioning, then put to flight and have the living shit blown out of them by the lurking shooters.

In 1703, the book Description of the Western Islands of Scotland and the North Atlantic described how the tartan grouse were not allowed to be killed without a permit, under punishment of forty lashes and five years’ hard labour in the island’s guano pit – the same harsh sentence imposed for conviction of gull buggery.

The Rockall Tartan Grouse Society is made up exclusively of Freemasons from the upper echelons of British society, with disaffected peasant fucks and other marginalised useless eaters positively discouraged from applying for membership.

This ruling further excludes all swan-roasting ‘foreign types’ and oil-rich tent-dwelling goat-bonkers with more money than sense.

Conversely all donations and bequests to the society will be gratefully accepted and morons still stubbornly wishing to apply for honourable membership may address their request to the society’s secretary along with a large cheque.

Applicants should be aware that the mandatory rite of passage to earn membership of the society from hereon in consists of an hour in the badger baiting pit – blindfolded and naked –armed with a soup spoon.

Hector MacTwat (Secretary)
Xenophobia Department,
Rockall Tartan Grouse Society,
Laird’s Cottage,
Hall’s Ledge,
North Atlantic. 57*-35’-48” N / 13*-41’-19” W

* Carbon Credit Trading Exchange declaration:
No trees, fish or seagulls were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

No comments: