Wednesday, 8 April 2009

G20 Riot Squad Plods Murder Passer-By

The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) has hinted that police might possibly have said ”Hello” to a man who died at the G20 summit meeting protests on Wednesday, shortly before his death.

Earlier in the day City of London police had refused to be drawn on reports of eyewitness statements declaring Ian Tomlinson, 47, had the proverbial shit knocked out of him by officers from the Metropolitan Brutal Bullies Riot Squad just before he keeled over and dropped dead on Wednesday.

A statement from the IPCC this afternoon confirmed it was now seriously considering investigating reports of possible ‘contact’ between officers and Mr Tomlinson minutes before his collapse in central London.

At 19:20 BST Mr Tomlinson is seen on CCTV tottering up King Kong Street and approaching a police cordon opposite the Bank of Never-Neverland.
It was established the 47-year-old, an innocent passer-by wholly unconnected with the G20 protest, wanted to get through and continue his walk home from work, however, police refused to let him do so.

Conversely, to apply a wholly unsuitable euphemism, ‘contact’ between the riot squad and Mr. Tomlinson has now been firmly established by the Daily Shitraker after video recording footage showing one of the Brutal Bullies squad plods delivering a vicious and vindictive swipe to the back of Tomlinson’s legs with a baton then shoving him to the pavement was plastered all over YouTube and the Internet.

Minutes later Mr Tomlinson is seen on CCTV tottering back onto Shitcreek Terrace from Royal Punch-up Passage. He staggers along for about three more minutes, before dropping dead on Muggings Hill and getting charged by Community Support officers – post mortem – with lying on the pavement and causing an obstruction.

The post-mortem examination into Mr Tomlinson's death claimed he died of a heart attack and the extensive lesions and bruises to his legs, upper body and head inflicted by the police were not contributing factors.

The IPCC’s chief spokesnumpty Ms. Candida Fuctifino told the media that a member of the Brutal Bullies Riot Squad had been identified as the officer having ‘contact’ with Ian Tomlinson and hence duly suspended from duty (on full pay) pending an investigation.

She further pointed out that all officers comprising the Metropolitan Brutal Bullies Riot Squad were graduate students of the Tavistock Institute’s zombie training seminars and had also attended the Common Purpose NLP brainwashing programmes to improve their crowd control and social interaction skills.

One whistle-blowing member of the riot squad who spoke to reporters from the Garrotter’s Gazette on conditions of anonymity (PC Rupert Snitch of 23 Grassers Green) stated that squad officer PC Frank Thug, formerly a licenced council squirrel strangler, was the one responsible for striking Tomlinson with his baton then shoving him to the ground.

PC Thug is reported to have faced disciplinary charges for over-zealous police conduct last year when he accosted an Albanian pikey camper who was waiting at a bus stop and was arrested on a charge of “loitering with a tent”.

The IPCC have since issued a press release after taking a preliminary statement from the suspended PC Thug in which asserts he thought Mr. Tomlinson bore all the classic hallmark traits of the archetype Islamic terrorist and looked very much like the typical Brazilian electrician sort he had been trained to recognise and apprehend.

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