Friday, 3 April 2009

Bonkers Boris Blamed for Snow Chaos

Serial eccentric London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense walked out of a House of Conmans inquiry today after labelling criticism of him "a pathetic load of old tosh".

The Transport Select Committee, whom Boris was appearing before, were investigating the travel chaos which followed heavy snowfall in the nation’s capital on the 2nd February this year.

Mayor Nonsense told the committee the difficulties in London were no worse than in the rest of the UK’s major cities – all of which qualified as natural ‘force majeur’ cluster-fucks of Biblical proportions.”

He added: "It is not within my competence or scope of office to stop the biggest downfall of snow we have had in London since the end of the last Ice Age. According to you twats there isn’t supposed to be any more snow forecast for the next century because of this Al Bore global warming bunkum everyone keep spouting about.”

London's heaviest recorded snowfall, the most since the last heaviest recorded snowfall , severely disrupted transport, leaving only huskies and sledges running – with the mayor himself travelling to and from work via reindeer and skis.

Transport Committee chairslut Candida Twatrot, Labour MP for Liverpool’s East Scumside constituency, said MPs were extremely concerned that "our capital city was virtually shut down in a way that didn’t happen in Singapore or California.”
She pointed an accusing finger at Mayor Nonsense, saying: "It appears that you didn't act in accordance with your responsibilities as mayor and as chairman of Transport for London by using the Meteorology Office’s crystal ball to full effect."

The mayor replied that Mrs Twatrot’s statement was “Utter bollocks” and just what he expected from one of “New Labour’s biased gobshite Scousers”, and added: "This smacks to me of an unnecessary amount of duckfat chewing and party political bias.”
"The people responsible for transport in London, those keeping the stupid bendy buses and Rattle-Track tube trains running, actually did an outstanding job by pre-empting skid and collision incidents and shutting the services down."

A visibly-bored Bonkers Boris stated there had been 30,000 snowfall-related road accidents before the decision to halt bus services had been taken at around midnight on the 1st of February.
"I would ask the committee to consider just how many more accidents you would like to have seen?" he added, which was met with the gormless blonde moment reply from Mrs. Twatrot : “A lot more before you shut down the Tube – leaving me stuck at Westminster underground station all night.”

Mayor Nonsense said "huge effort and huge preparations" had been made to grit roads but snow had fallen on the grit and the compacted snow had made conditions even more difficult – actually creating a road-compressed lasagne - which the pigeons enjoyed pecking at.

While being questioned by Desmond Poodlewanker, New Labour MP for Rotting Minge, as to why road service crews didn’t wait until the snow had stopped falling before gritting, Mayor Nonsense stated for the record : "It didn’t stop snowing, you knobhead – how are they supposed to get salt grit to work when the snow’s six feet deep? This is pathetic. You’re trying to put the blame on a Tory mayor for some momentary political gain."

Earlier Greater London Authority transport committee chairslut Valderma Shitcross said Transport for London had not made the mayor aware of the extent of the problems until 06:00 GMT on the 3rd February – long after the entire system had gone ‘tits up’ and was buried under several feet of snow.

"You would normally expect a leader in his position to be proactive and knee-deep in the actual shit - to ensure things were being carried out as they should," she commented. “Maybe I wouldn’t do this myself but silly blokes in charge should have been out there pulling snow ploughs and shovelling the pavements clean.”

The mayor eventually spit his proverbial dummy and gave the inquiry the fickle finger of fate midway through committee members hectoring him while attempting to answer yet another stupid question, telling them to go and ‘kiss my blue Tory arse.’

Were you stuck out in the snow all night – or cuddled up nice and warm in bed? Do you think Bonkers Boris should have been out there shovelling snow? Do you think Boris should be labelled a ‘climate change’ denier? Do you think Boris needs a haircut?

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