New UK Classroom Powers to be Invoked

Troops on leave in the UK from tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan should be deployed to support teachers dealing with bad behaviour in the classrooms, according to a report by the Asbo Gazette on discipline in schools.

The study by the government's bad behaviour mandarin Lord Peter Scandalson says school leaders do not make enough use of powers to deal with problem pupils – such as taking preliminary action by placing their names in the ‘very naughty book’.

Scandalson’s report calls for teachers and schools to be made more aware of these powers, stating children who disrupt classes should be isolated so they do not disturb classmates.
He recommends using "withdrawal rooms" as a temporary measure to stop class disruption - such as padded cells for the ‘self-harm’ violent or solitary confinement with a restricted diet of bread and water for a few days.

Lord Scandalson told Biff Yob, the education correspondent for the Gardener’s Weekly, that the government had legislated to give teachers an explicit legal right to discipline pupils - but it was up to each school to decide how that should be implemented.

The new government pamphlet on children’s behaviour spells out the methods teachers are mandated to use in maintaining discipline.
It says teachers have the right to use reasonable force to control or restrain unruly pupils. Further it states school management teams must take reasonable measures to protect their staff.

Schools secretary Ed Bollocks told the Asbo Gazette he was working with the teaching union NAZTWAT to distribute new guidelines giving teachers in England the information they need.

He said: "I agree with Pete Scandalson that it is unacceptable for pupils to be taking hallucinogenic drugs or firing handguns on the school premises - disrupting the learning and teaching of an entire class."
"Pupils need to know that when certain boundaries are crossed they will have to bear the consequences – such as getting shot back at."

Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High recently started employing bouncers from Renta-Thug to "crowd control" classes and assist teachers in keeping order in classes.
However the scheme was dropped when the bouncers demanded ‘danger money’ after two of their ranks were severely beaten to a GBH level while attempting to quell a disturbance in a nursery class.

Lord Scandalson’s proposal for a return to the Dickensian principles of discipline seem to have worked at the Wackford Squeers Institute for Scallies, which has applied certain practices from the Spanish Inquisition’s “Discipline for Dummies” handbook.

Here all teaching staff are pre-trained to black belt level in Shotokan karate or Taekwondo, have attended a six-week NVQ1 course in waterboarding and general torture principles at a Middle Eastern extreme rendition centre, and are licenced to carry pickaxe handles, bull whips, K-bar knives and handguns.