Sunday, 26 April 2009

Numpty-Dumpty Skewed News Round-Up

Beijing cracks down on religious groups, viewed as dissidents by the country’s geriatric atheist rulers, yet again.
China’s ‘Thought Police’ last night arrested all six members of the immensely fashionable Falun and the Gongs pop group, who are adherents of the Qui Gong mystical religious cult banned by the ruling Politburo.
A Ministry of Paranoia spokesman, Mr. Fok Yew Tu, informed the International Herald Shitraker that the group, who are currently being held at Shanghai’s infamous ‘Smiley Face Organ Donor Prison’ would be charged with sedition.

The Royal Bank of Scumland (RBS) has demanded £40,000 compensation from an unemployed 17-year-old girl who was filmed on CCTV vandalising the bank’s office equipment during the recent G20 protests in London.
The girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons (Slutsy McGammer) admitted criminal damage when protesters targeted the Shitspindle Street branch of the RBS on the 1st April.
Judge Desmond Dunce, presiding over the case, opined that the RBS banksters were a bunch of greedy bastards in demanding £40,000 in compensation for a pc monitor and keyboard smashed by the girl, awarding a more realistic replacement figure of £150 instead.

Fears that an Iranian ban on imports from its arch enemy Israel was flouted by the sale of Jaffa Sunny D’ mutant orange drink have sparked furious reactions and inquiries at both the Ministry of Xenophobia and the Department for Paranoia in Tehran.
Customs official jumped into action after discovering the Israeli ‘Frankenstein flavour’ fruit juice drink was allegedly imported in boxes marked as being of Chinese origin but actually shipped from the crime capital of the Gulf : Dubai.
The Jaffa orange drink, named after a famous Palestinian city, is usually known for its sweetness, however Iranian customs chemists have determined the contraband juice had been tampered with after analysis revealed each and every carton contained massive amounts of human urine.
Revolutionary Guards chief Mustafa Crap told reporters “This is the work of the filthy scumbag Israeli Mossad – pissing in the orange juice then smuggling it to Tehran so our people will drink it. They are mad – this is their sick sense of humour and it is not funny.”
“Just wait until our deep cover moles and agents provocateur finish at the Israeli ‘Dancing Camel’ brewery and see what their ‘Half-Wit’ beer tastes like after its been pissed in by the Gaza gangsters.”

While millions are starving to death across the globe, specifically in the famine-ravaged African nations of Ethiopia, Sudan and Somalia, and no-one in the First World West really giving a flying fuck about the situation or doing anything positively constructive to alleviate the suffering and solve the problem, the EU has decided, in a true to form Alice in Wonderland numpty dumpty paradox that flocks of vultures, suffering from hunger in the mountains of Spain must be nourished at all costs.
The vultures are starving because of previously-enacted EU regulations that aimed to stop the spread of mad-cow disease across Europe, with dead cattle being buried and covered with quick lime.
Brussels-based European MPs voted for a change in the law to allow farmers to leave dead livestock in their fields - providing it is deemed safe and hygienic - with bleeding heart environmentalists describing the birds as "nature's cleaners".
A lack of natural carrion has forced the birds to embark on some rather long-haul trips - one was even spotted recently in the UK town of Smegmadale, perched on top of a bus shelter outside a Greedy Grocer Extra supermarket, feasting on the remains of a homeless Big Issue vendor.
While the World’s criminal governments are continuing to bail out the useless insolvent banksters who have caused the economic collapse and recession, what’s the problem with bailing out another bunch of vultures in Spain?

North Korea has started to reprocess spent fuel rods at its nuclear plant, the country's Central News Agency (Knockers) announced yesterday.
Great Dear Leader Kim Mah Jong, after consulting his favourite trusted Feng Shui man has decided to reopen the Yongbong reactor (closed to comply with UN sanction demands) and commence processing weapons-grade plutonium for the development of thermo-nuclear bombs.
The reprocessing move comes after Pyongyang's successful launch of a long-range intercontinental rocket in April, capable of carrying warhead payloads.
The Minister for Shit-Stirring, Mr. Pak Lunch, told the nuclear physics correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that their Great Dear Leader was sick to the teeth with the Zionist US’s hypocritical and demonising protests about North Korea’s supposed war-like intentions when the US were the ones illegally invading Middle Eastern countries to steal their oil and opium crops and establish permanent military bases.
“No problem – we start reprocessing the spent fuel rods into weapons grade plutonium and make a few nukes – maybe give some left-overs to Iran – really put the willies up America and Israel.”
“We’re all getting fed up with Europe’s and America’s New World Order and their neo-imperialist oppressions. Just watch, all the marginalised and disaffected Third World nations are going to gang up on their past colonial masters and give them some shit back.”
“The reprocessing will contribute to bolstering our nuclear deterrence for self-defence in every way to cope with the increasing military threats from the hostile belligerent forces of the West. We’ll show them the real meaning of their “Axis of Evil".
The UN Security Council imposed sanctions on three North Korean companies in response to the reprocessing announcement.
Conversely Pyongyang said it would ignore the sanctions, describing them as "a wanton violation of the UN charter" and that the Zionist-controlled UN could “kiss their yellow spotty arses.”

Ex-British Slime Minister, Tony Bliar, is set to pitch his candidacy bid to become the next European President.
Backed by the midget French premier Nicknacks Teakozy and various other questionable and dishonest sponsors, Bliar states he wants to build a bridge between Europe and the new O’Barmy pro-Zionist administration – while caustic critics posture that the bridge he wishes to build is more than likely one between the EU’s coffers and his own offshore pension fund to sate the voracious financial appetites of his materialistic grasping spouse Cherie Baby – she of the burst tyre mouth who, being a devout Satanist, has never read Matthew 16:26.
However, Tony Bliar as prime minister or Mid- East peace envoy or EU president is no more ridiculous that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown being considered as the G-20’s financial guru or Barky O’Barmy as the legitimate President of the USA.

News splattered across the pages of the gutter press announcing that incumbent US President Barky O’Barmy has personally drafted and signed into law a ‘Most Favoured Nation’ trade agreement with Kenya has been blasted by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel Slimeberg as an ‘utter and subversive rumour’.
However a pall of conspiratorial silence descended over the press room when it was pointed out that the White House changed its US suppliers of mangoes, bananas and coconuts to the Nairobi-based ‘O’Barmy United Fruit Company on the 20th January this year.
Further questions of “Where are you buying all the new teleprompters?” went ignored.

Building bigger and stronger levees in New Orleans will not be enough to save the US city from another Hurricane Katrina, according to a survey leaked to the Daily Shitraker.
The survey, sponsored by the Shylock Landgrabbers Group, stated the risks of severe flooding in the city could "never be fully eliminated" especially so when a hurricane like Katrina was spiked up and directed onto the place with HAARP array weather modification technology.
The survey also stated that while the levees were considered adequate for any normal to severe rise in the water levels of Lake Pontchartrain, nothing could stop them being breached if US government agent provocateurs and Blackwater Security operatives were allowed to go round blasting fucking big holes in them with military grade high explosives, as occurred in August 2005.

Mexican authorities have closed schools and public buildings in the capital in a bid to contain a new flu virus suspected of killing over 250 people this week.
The gastro-intestinal virus which was at first considered to be a variant of the seasonal ’bean virus’ which causes sufferers to basically ‘fart to death’ is now being reassessed and early test results indicate it is actually a highly virulent variant mutated strain of ‘swine flu’ which while it can be spread from person to person in the human spectrum by airborne transmission, the initial infections normally originate from horny hard-up peasants shagging pigs.
Doctors in Mexico City and the surrounding rural areas are advising anyone who has actually had sex with a pig recently to seek medical advice and get their flu shot.

Gurkha Veterans Shit on by New Labour:
Campaigners have reacted with anger to new rules on the eligibility of Gurkha veterans to live in the UK.
Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith, the ‘Second Home’ Secretary told the Tortoise Polisher’s review that new rules would allow about 4,300 more to settle, but the Gurkha Justice Campaign said Smith was lying through her teeth as usual and the actual number would be less than 100.
Actress Joanna Scumley, a campaigner for the Gurkhas, said the announcement made her "ashamed of Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s shithouse administration".
Immigration Minister Phil Pockets denied he had betrayed the Gurkhas, adding: "Just because they were in the British Army and fought for us, risking life and limb, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to anything more than a free kitbag and a double ration of Kendal mint cake."
He added: "It has never been the case that all Gurkhas pre-1997 were to be allowed to stay in the country. With their goat-bonking dependants you could be looking at 100,000 people – more than all the sponging Poles and Albanian swan roasting Pikeys we’ve already ended up with camping out here.”
Mr. Pockets concluded with “Let’s be honest, they have my sympathy – which is in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ - who the fuck wants to live in Nepal anyway– apart from disaffected British hippie types. I suppose it’s okay if you want to get out of bed in a morning and look at Mount Everest, but that’s about all.”

A Japanese pop singer who was arrested for public indecency after being found drunk and naked in a Tokyo park has apologised for his "shameful" conduct by donating his entire fortune to the founding of a ‘Manky Mallard’ Shinto shrine.
"I drank a lot and did not know what I was doing," Turbo Kuntashagi said on Friday after being released by police.
"I deeply apologise to fans for causing so much trouble and worry," he added.
Kuntashagi, 34, shot to fame as a member of 1980s boy band FLASHERS.
At the time of his arrest, Kuntashagi was allegedly sitting on the grass naked, heavily intoxicated and engaged in an unnatural sexual act with one of the park’s Mallard waterfowl.
He was charged with duck buggery, which can carry a sentence of ten years hard labour and mandatory chemical castration. His name and case details have summarily been entered into the national sex offender’s register as a zoophiliac pervert and he is henceforth prohibited from going within 100 meters of a duck pond.
Local media reports said he had drunk more than 10 glasses of Japanese rice wine (saki) and beer before going into the park for a quick hand job.
His arrest has been a major news story in Japan, where Kuntashagi was the face of a government campaign to get the public to buy shares in their ailing and insolvent banks.
Since the arrest, Toyota Motor Corp and other leading companies have cancelled commercials featuring the duck-fucking pop star.

Hillarious Rodent Clinton has landed in the Iraqi capital Baghdad for her first visit to the country as US Secretary of Sleaze.
Clinton touched down on her broomstick amidst a firefight between a squad of Iraqi Shia police and a platoon of Shite military troops, blasting the hell out of each other for control of the airport’s customs depot and lucrative smuggling trade.
Accompanied by her friend and mentor, Sapphie Dildodo, famed feminist and author of the controversial best-seller “Strapon Diplomacy”, the Rodent’s visit comes in the wake of two days of suicide bomb attacks on Baghdad and other Iraqi shitholes which killed at least 155,000 people and wounded several others.
Clinton told unaffiliated reporters from Al Jazeera and other Gulf media stations she wanted to help identify how to counter the violence – to which they politely suggested the US and other neo-colonial warmongers get their arses out of Iraq and put a stop to the illegal occupation.
Broomstick pilot Clinton, who obviously doesn’t understand the first principle of self-determination or the fact that ‘Democracy’ does not really translate as “You’ll do what we say – or else” still cannot comprehend why Iraq will not function peacefully when it is being ‘governed’ (sic) by US-Zionist Shia puppets.
Going into her usual hysterical screaming profanity mode, Clinton howled "I want an evaluation of what these kinds of rejectionist efforts mean and what can be done to prevent them by both the Iraqi government and the US forces – or do we need another dose of ‘Shock and Awe’?"
It will be noted that a lull to the sectarian fighting was observed last month when all sides ran out of ammunition for almost a week.
The US President, Mr. Teleprompter O’Barmy, who visited Iraq a couple of weeks ago for half an hour, has committed the US to withdrawing troops from Iraq by the end of June (2050).

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Rusty’s Skewed News Views : Purveyors of Bespoke Satire

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