Monday, 20 April 2009

Soldier’s ‘Lucky Bullet’ Escape

A soldier has been described as "the luckiest twat in the British Army" after a bullet fired by a Taliban Dan Brigade sniper impacted his helmet and went in one ear and out the other, missing his brain by milimeters.

Private Norman “Numpty” Dumpty, 16, a Territorial Army ‘Asbo Regiment’ soldier from Smegmadale, was knocked over by the impact of the shot in Afghanistan.

Pte. Dumpty told the war correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that : “I just ‘eard this whistlin’ sound, then smack – as the bullet ripped an ‘ole in me ‘elmet, went down me fuckin’ ear, through me ‘ead, and out the other ear – and tore another bleedin’ hole in the far side of me ‘elmet.”
“Now I can appreciate being a thick cunt an’ ‘avin’ a brain the size of an effin’ walnut.”

Pte Dumpty was manning an espresso coffee machine during a fierce battle with the elite Taleban Dan Brigade in Helmand Province when he was hit by the 7.62mm AK47 bullet, a spokesman from the UK's Ministry of Illegal Wars and Occupations told reporters.

The father of three was back on duty within an hour of the near-miss, after changing his fouled underpants and with two strips of armoured duct tape covering the entry and exit holes in his helmet.
Pte Dumpty was wearing the standard army Mark 6a helmet, which is constructed from a recycled biscuit tin covered with alternating layers of tinfoil and vinyl wallpaper.

Pte Dumpty's commander, Major Bunny Fuctifino said: "Young Numpty’s a good egg - and a spiffing soldier. He’s very fortunate to have such a minuscule brain and the IQ of a gerbil – otherwise he might have been badly injured – or killed in fact."

Labour Prime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown was quick to jump feet first into the publicity tub by telling Parliamentary reporters “Pte Dumpty’s the type of soldier this country needs to win its overseas wars – shot through the head and carries on manning his coffee machine regardless. The Tory and Lib-Dem youth movements could learn something from Dumpty’s teenage tenacity.”

The bullet through the skull isn’t Pte Dumpty’s first close brush with the Grim Reaper. In January his parachute failed to open when jumping into the Helmand Province combat zone with him hitting the ground at 120 feet per second, causing mild bruising and a sprained ankle.

During his limping hike to the drop zone’s regroup area he was bitten by a poisonous shit-tailed viper, trod on a land mine, and was attacked by a flock of vultures but came through the ordeal ready for combat deployment grinning like a Cheshire cat.

When asked by the Warmonger’s Gazette what he put such incredible luck down to, Dumpty replied : “I sez me prayers every night before goin’ ter bed.”

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