The UK’s number one scandal dredging newspaper has this week unearthed a buried immigration report that US President Barky O’Barmy's half-brother was denied a visa to enter Britain following accusations he attempted to sexually assault a group of young British ‘white’ girls.
The Daily Shitraker newspaper reports that Samson O’Barmy, a real Kenyan national who doesn’t claim to have been born in Hawaii, tried to enter Britain while he was on his way to Washington DC for his brother's Presidential Inauguration on January 20th of this year.
However, according to the Daily Shitraker’s star scandal reporter, Chlamydia Twatrot, immigration agents at East Cuntstead Airport, using the latest biometric tests, discovered he was linked to a sexual assault incident in the United Kingdom that occurred in November, 2008.
Information on the national police-linked database revealed that Samson – who now manages a 413 Scam office just outside Nairobi - was in fact the man who was arrested by police officers in Smegmadale after he approached a group of young girls, including a 13 year-old, and allegedly tried to sexually solicit them all.
According to the gutter press report, the children took refuge inside a cafe, but O’Barmy followed them and started to expose himself at which point the cafe owner called the police, who arrested him for indecent exposure.
During his processing, O’Barmy gave officers a false ID -- claiming to be Henry Magoo, a teleprompter salesman who was on his way to the US to attend the inauguration of the new president and do a personal ‘pimp my teleprompter’ job at the White House.
The girls O’Barmy exposed himself to, who can’t be named for legal reasons, (Cheryl, Dawn, Candida, Virgie, Rita and Delilah – the one with the big tits) all attend Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High School, apart from Delilah who’s a trainee hairdresser at the Snip & Clip Haute Coiffure Salon.
Delilah declared in her police statement that O’Barmy offered them money for oral foreplay and penetration sex. “All the dirty old twat did was kept pullin’ his effin’ cock out an’ flashin’ it around an’ told us he’d give us a fiver each if we dropped our kex and gave him a gam,”
Conversely Samson O’Barmy claims he simply wished to show them some real African ‘black ‘magic’ tricks and proceeded to exhibit his ‘one-eared elephant’, his ‘Cyclops trouser snake’ and his monster ‘Black Mamba’ – and the purpose of his trip to the US was to see ‘Viagra Falls’.
O’Barmy’s legal representative, flown in via helicopter from the US Embassy in London once the proverbial shit hit the fan, impressed upon police whose brother the arrested man was, admitted he carried the stigma of being the ‘black sheep’ of the family, and claimed O’Barmy acted strangely due the mega-doses of Cialis and Levitra prescription medications he was taking to combat chronic erectile dysfunction.
After taking photographs, fingerprints and DNA samples, and concluding there was a lot of mongrel in O’Barmy’s genes, just like his Presidential brother, police elected not to press charges and turned custody over to his attorney – Hiram P. Kissinger (brother of the famous Isaac P. Kissinger).
Are you related to Barky O’Barmy? Would you like to be the US president? Do you have a Kenyan passport? Would you like to buy a forged Hawaiian birth certificate? Does anyone in your family know where you were born? Have you ever snorted coke or had back seat oral sex in a limo’ with Larry Sinclair?
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