Sunday, 5 April 2009

Cornish Pensioner Wins Formula One Race

An 87-year-old Cornish woman visiting her daughter in Kent set new speed records when her mobility scooter shot off out of control yesterday after she and husband Morton had enjoyed a light liquid lunch at the local Limping Lobster public house.

Gladys McTwat, who was visiting family in Swanley, told a reporter from the Geriatrics Extreme Sports Review that she had only downed around twelve pints of draught Guinness and was driving slowly along with her husband walking beside her when – Vroom! - the mobility scooter shot off of its own accord with the throttle fully open.

After careering wildly across the nearby Crotchrot Valley golf course Mrs. McTwat managed to steer the scooter back onto the southbound lane of the A20 which she proceeded to travel down at speeds exceeding 90 mph, managing to do a two-wheel banking turn at the M25 access roundabout before speeding back off up the north bound carriageway of the A20 bypass.

Husband Morton McTwat, a retired wheelbarrow mechanic, told reporters “She flew off like a bat out of effin’ Hell. I’ve just had a pace-maker fitted and me prostate were givin’ me some gyp too, so I were in no condition to go chasin’ after the silly old cow, so I called the plods on me cellphone and gave ‘em a description.”

On her way back up the A20 to Swanley Mrs. McTwat veered off to her right to avoid traffic and ended up driving into the Brands Hatch racing circuit – wholly unawares the BTCC Formula One qualifying event was underway.

After several laps of maintaining a lead position without a single pit stop, Mrs. McTwat was given the chequered flag and came to a grinding halt when her scooter’s battery overheated and exploded.

Police are still considering filing possible charges against the gutsy pensioner for failing a breathalyser test and exceeding the speed limit across a golf course, along pavements and the A20, then driving around Brands Hatch without a safety helmet or seat belt.

Stop press : Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Formula One team boss Martin Shitmarsh in bid to sign up Gladys McTwat as principal driver for 2009 season.

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