In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
German Chancellor Angela ‘Dumpy’ Merkel’s centre-right ruling coalition is calling for a ban on paedo-bestiality - or for those with a limited lexicon - the practice of having sex with underage animals.
Specifically the Kraut Parliament's agriculture committee is considering legislation to make it an offence for humans to not only hurt an animal but also force it into acts of unnatural sex – with offenders facing hefty fines of up to 25,000 euros if they coerce an animal to commit actions alien to the species – such as the old Arab favourite of ‘monkey fuck goat’.
Excuse me, but how the hell does a human force an animal into an act of non-consensual unnatural sex when the entire concept – so frowned upon by the Bible’s Old Testament (just the same as the abomination of man-on-man butt-fucking) – of coitus with anything but a member of the opposite sex of the ‘same genus’ carries the damning stigma of ‘unnatural’.
To add to the absurdity of the entire debate, a final vote will be held in the Bundestag (lower house) on December 14th – hopefully in time to protect the festive season reindeer from getting buggered by pissed up merry-makers.
In a typical display of going against the socio-evolutionary progress of the rest of the civilised (sic) world, Krautland legalised bestiality (zoophilia) in 1969, except in cases where the animal suffered "significant harm".
Que – significant harm? What the fuck are we talking about here – some guy on a Viagra-fuelled rape-a-thon rampage humping a hutch-full of rabbit or a pen of chickens – or interfering with a flock of underage sheep – or engaging in a multiple re-entry game of felching with a menagerie of hamsters, gerbils – and meerkats?
Conversely Michael Kock, chairman of the Frankfurt Felchers Club pressure group informed one amused press hack from the Sheep Shaggers Gazette that he intended to take legal action to fight the proposed changes.
"It is unthinkable that any sexual act with an animal is unlawful as a dog is man’s best friend. We love our pets – dogs and cats and cuddly lambs and nice chubby little piggies – so it is only human nature that we should want to make love with them too.”
“We view animals as partners and not as a means of sexual gratification – nor do we force them to do anything they don’t enjoy – plus animals are much easier to understand than women.”
Hmmm, Mr Kock might well be fucked in the head but his last observation is spot on.
Bestiality is banned in many European countries, including the Netherlands, France and Switzerland – while such gross acts of depravity are permissible in Belgium, Denmark and Sweden, though Stockholm is considering a change in the legislation to exclude tortoises and goldfish.
While back in Broken Britain the bestiality laws were changed in 2003, which reduced the maximum sentence from life imprisonment to two years – along with a ban on going for long walks on the Moors and coming back smelling of KY Jelly and wet sheep.
So while we might just have zoophilia under control we’ve still got the likes of New Labour’s ex-House of Conmans leader, the ginger-mingin Harriet Harman, possessed by a perverse desire to see the age of sexual consent dropped so that Tory cabinet members, fat slob Lancashire Liberal MPs, BBC DJs and major construction company directors can revel in their favourite kiddie fiddling pastimes – without fear of legal retribution. And we think the Krauts are a bunch of immoral pervs?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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