Thursday, 27 December 2012

UK Xmas Sales Add to Debtocracy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A prediction augured jointly by UK-based bankruptcy courts and debt collection agencies from their computerised Ouija board software programmes – and supported by a host of Gyppo fortune tellers and assorted Pikey psychics reading the more traditional analog prophecy devices such as tea leaves, frog’s entrails, bleached bones and the I Ching – claims the great British knobhead collective - deservedly referred to as the sheeple or common herd - are expected to squander somewhere in the region of £3 zillion quid in the Boxing Day to New Year sales period on all kinds of materialistic bling crap and kitsch tat they don’t really need.

Legions of bargain-hunters descended in their veritable hordes on High Streets and shopping malls across the length and breadth of Broken Britain in the hours before dawn on Boxing Day – with money-hungry stores slashing prices and opening at 06:00 GMT in a bid to lure customers to their proffered bargains-to-die-for entrapment webs and part with the contents of their wallets – or simply bung the costs on the plastic fantastic.

Market analyst Shylock Scattstein, speaking outside his Rothshite crime syndicate bankster offices on Eye of the Needle Street in the City’s Square Mile, opined to one gutter press hack from the Wastrels Gazette that online spending is expected to be the biggest and busiest ever, and exceeded £500 million nicker on Christmas Eve alone via the ubiquitous Amazon, eBay and Bid Channel websites.
“These people are off their fucking rockers – loading up credit cards to the limit and collectively building a mountain of debt that’s bigger than the GNP of most Third World shitholes. Really, how many tuck hampers, trifles and mince pies - or Bell Enders DVD box sets do a family need, I ask you?”

As though to prove Scattstein correct, several million bleary-eyed would-be shoplifters, anxious to take advantage of the in-store chaos and mayhem - gathered to catch hypothermia together shortly after midnight outside major shopping centres around the country, such as Ripoffs-R-Us in London and Birmingham's Bullshit Ring - where Mammon & Snobfords and Chav Fashions were offering discounts of up to 95% on a complete range of Spot-the-Twat hi-viz jobsworth gilets, Masonic Brotherhood aprons, Taiwanese cable knit v-neck pullovers, Mormon underwear - and a line of genuine Nonceland Argyle socks.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense made sure that shoppers were forewarned of a strike by a cabal of self-indulgent Trotskyist Tube train drivers that threatened to sever the commuter lifeline for suburban bargain hunters – although extra Boris Bikes were being fielded as far out as Elephant & Castle and Bromley to accommodate die hard shop-til-we-drop aficionados on a mission.

2012 is the third year in a row that drivers on the Underground have taken industrial action on Boxing Day and still not caught on to the fact their Rattle Track bosses don’t give a flying fuck as they’re not prepared to fork out triple overtime pay plus a day off. However there’s no educating pork and the best one can expect from a pig is a grunt.

Transport obstacles besides, ardent shoppers queued up around the block before dawn to get into a branch of NEXT at Kingston-upon-Thames.
Que, before dawn? What the fuck for - in the hope of buying a brain – or at least a couple of ounces of common sense.
Okay, one might understand if this was a queue to grab a lifejacket and get a seat in one of the Titanic’s lifeboats – but fucking NEXT. Gimmee a break - all they sell is sweatshop crap clothing. Really, what self-respecting corpse would submit to getting buried in a NEXT suit?

Whereas on the lighter side, in Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill Civic Centre, crowds queued overnight to be the first into their local Pound Stretcher outlet that advertised festive season bargains but where – oddly enough – Bev Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three, claimed “It’s all a big effin’ scam cos everythin’s now bin dropped ter 99 pence.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

wiggins said...

'Eye of the Needle Street.'- quality.