Saturday, 22 December 2012

End of Days: An Apocaloptomist Bummer

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Mayan civilisation’s Long Count calendar which began 5,125 years ago, on the 21st June, 3113 BC (a Wednesday / half-day closing in Guatemala) and ended yesterday, December 21, 2012 at 12:00 noon sharp GMT – with zillions of the more gullible elements of the global common herd’s 99% saying “fuck work”, staying at home, tuning off the gas and electric, giving Charlie the Budgie his long-sought freedom and sticking their heads between their knees – then kissing their proverbial arses goodbye.

So, we ask, what the fuck went wrong with the prophesised End of Days? Not quite the cataclysmic series of events every fucker and their dog around the Third World were expecting (and secretly hoping for) – that if they were going to get it in the neck yet again, the opulent Western nations – and Australia – those self-promoting pinnacles of moral, Christian civilisation - copped their fair share of the rough end of things for a change too.

Then it turns out this auspicious date delivers zero in the way of Tribulation (apart from another dowry of rain, a flooded living room – and a final demand for council tax) – and even more disappointing, no ecstatic metaphysical transmigration of the soul or ‘uplifting’ Rapture (Heavenly host Archangels or UFOs) or Second Coming of the Messiah.

Hmmm, so much for the forecast Busby Berkeley end of the world spectacular extravaganza with associated kitsch trappings. Flaming KT Boundary Event type asteroids, gut-shuddering earthquakes, volcanoes vomiting pyroclastic nasties – and mile-high tsunamis tear-arsing across entire continents – sweeping away all traces of civilisation (sic) – along with housing estates full of over-priced properties and their ubiquitous flat screen 48 inch TVs - and legions of shiny-arsed local authority bureaucratic jobsworths – and the hordes of Jolly Jihadi Islamic terrorists we’ve all been brainwashed to live in fear of – plus the insolvent Great Satan and their homicidal New World Order neo-cons – and the bully boy ZioNazi Israelis – aka God’s Chosen People.

Ah well, c’est la vie – misconstrued prophecies besides, nary a sign of an ominous comet or the return of Nibiru / Planet X. Not a single bankster screaming ‘sorry’ and burning in a lake of fire along with his usurious pondscum mates that saddled us with this prevailing state of Debtocracy – or the tosspot politicians who allowed them rein to commit such felonies.
So it looks like ‘same as’ for another few years until the solar ‘Killshot’ hits us – unless Santa’s going to drop a stocking-full of Nirvana down the chimney on Xmas Eve.

One press hack from the Doomsday Gazette was out on the streets of the UK’s Metropolis on Friday evening and spoke to stunned pedestrians ambling aimlessly around with vacant stares, obviously gob-smacked by the fact the predicted Armageddon hadn’t materialised and it was time to face their old uncompromising sparring partner ‘Reality’ once again.

Feral Beryl McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Slutborough Hamlets, sporting a bottle blonde Croydon facelift hair-do, confided her personal impression of the Mesoamerican ‘non event’ Apocalypse.
“I woz up at the crack of dawn, getting’ meself ready fer ‘you know what’ - an’ went down ter the beauty salon an’ blew a £60 nicker on getting’ a proper hot wax Brazilian bikini line job done on me snatch an’ arse just in case some smart lookin’ chav Archangel took a fancy ter havin’ it off wiv me with we woz gettin’ Rhapsodied.”

“Well, lunchtime’s come an’ gone an’ so fuckin’ much fer us all morphin’ inter some Empyrean state of fourth dimensional electro-magnetic nano-particle hypre-space reality – but that’s one of the effin’ problems wiv pseudo-science an’ gettin’ steeped in superstition – yer end up wiv bullshit scenarios like that global warmin’ scam.”
“Fer fuck’s sake yer can’t rely on anybody these days. Wisdom of the ancients, my arse - what an effin’ let down an’ utter no-show cos I’m never gonna trust another Mayan end of days prophecy as this has really screwed Christmas up fer me.”

“After the local vet’ refused ter euthanize the kids, called me a friggin’ moron an’ told me ter eff’ off, I took ‘em down ter the Harold Shipman Centre fer Clinical Excellence this mornin’ an’ asked me mate wot’s a nurse ter put ‘em all on the Liverpool Care Pathway ter make the end of the world as painless as possible fer the little loves – an’ she give me £500 quid in cash fer signin’ this form wot sez the hospital could have their internal organs fer the black market transplant trade. So bollocks, I’m off down ter get one of them whopping big Christmas hampers from Pound Stretcher fer me and me feller.”

Word of the week: Apocaloptomist - some barmy twat who knows it’s all going to shit but still believes things will turn out okay.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Quinn said...

Brill' piece - was hoping you'd do a Mayan end of the world skit. Good laugh at the enormity of the global gullibility. Human nature.

Anonymous said...

Apocaloptomist. Ha, that's a hoot.