Sunday, 23 December 2012

Big Brother Bully Targets Unemployed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mayan ‘End of the World’ prophecies notwithstanding, from the beginning of January 2013, Broken Britain’s unemployed will be mandated to search for work through the Nanny State Libservative Coalition's new Universal Jobmatch website - or potentially risk losing their paltry benefits, driving them ever closer to a life of crime to support themselves by shoplifting - or selling daily ‘downloads’ of semen to IVF clinics until their nuts start rattling.

The not-fit-for-purpose, user-unfriendly ‘Jobshite’, currently blighted with a greater number of software glitches per square inch than Mr Gay Pride 2012 received in St Valentine cards from fudging admirers – is intended to scan the CVs of unemployed benefit claimants and automatically match them up with job openings that suit their skills – and / or the lack of such.
If one is gullible enough to swallow the fairy tale being fielded by the DWP, the glitch-ridden system has been designed (sic) and cobbled together with the facility to allow employers to search for new workers among the database listed unemployed and send messages inviting them to interviews. (Yeah right: Your cheque’s in the post / Black is beautiful / I won’t come in your mouth).

Conversely the activities of benefit claimants can also be tracked using devices known as ‘cookies’ – which bear no relation to ‘biscuits’ - so the arse-polishing DWP ‘jobsworth’ bureaucrats can play ‘I-Spy’ and check on how many searches their hapless victims have been doing – then suggest potential vacancies or view the individual access logs to determine whether they’re turning down viable employment opportunities so they can stay home and watch re-runs of Coronation Street on Sky’s Moron Channel.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith (formerly Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs) speaking to gutter press hacks following an appearance on BBC Two’s ever-popular primetime Eggheads programme, opined that the scheme would ‘Revolutionise’ the process of looking for work – especially so when the UK’s piss poor excuse for a government get round to re-industrialising Broken Britain – or at least providing some clear cut incentives that might serve to encourage reluctant employers to create workplace ‘vacancies’ - and not just continue designing Big Brother schemes to penalise job hunters branded as delinquent as they weren’t born with a silver spoon in their gobs nor attended public school or belonged to Oxford’s Bullingdon Dining Club – and lack the Masonic connections to run for Parliament as an MP.

The ‘I-Spy’ tracking element of the Jobshite programme will not be compulsory as monitoring people's behaviour online without their consent is not permitted under EUSSR law. (Er, can someone please explain that one to the Plod Squad’s eavesdropping department – along with MI5 and GCHQ at Menwith Hill and Cheltenham viz the likes of Carnivore, Silkworm and Echelon / P415).

However job ‘advisers’ are able to impose sanctions such as compulsory work experience placements at the local sewerage farm as a ‘Trainee Shit Stirrer’ or sentence claimants to six weeks of unpaid ‘shelf stacking’ at Pound Stretcher - and ultimately cut benefit payments if they feel the hapless unemployed are not searching hard enough for jobs that are as rare as hen’s teeth and rocking horse shit.

In his questionable wisdom, Duncan Smith claims: “If a person chooses not to take a job the website’s computer system has selected for them – such as Senior Technician at the Smegmadale-on-Sea nuclear power station - then the adviser will look at their reasons, and if they conclude “actually the fact the guy was previously employed as a Bus Driver is a pretty specious excuse for not accepting the offered post” - the claimant will be summoned and given the Catch 22 option terms: “No more excuses – accept the job and pick up the basic skills as you go – otherwise your benefit payments stop.”

Now for the funny demographic statistics. An approximate number of 690,000 unemployed jobseekers have signed up to the Universal Jobmatch website so far, with some 50% being coerced into allowing advisers to access to their profile, CV and search activities – and correspondingly signed up 370,000 employers – with the unemployed conducting about five million searches a day for jobs that do not exist – unless one has an NVQ 10 Diploma in Advanced Neurosurgery.

DWP Minister Duncan Smith further confirmed his department is contemplating further Kafkaesue Big Brother measures such as the introduction of welfare cards that could only be used to purchase such lifeline necessities as bags of crisps, rolling tobacco and bottles of B & Q’s vintage meths to prevent claimants blowing their benefit payments on Sky Sports subscriptions.

Alas, no matter what kind of a high-tech website they front, if there are no fucking jobs then it’s all a waste of time and space. The unemployed – just the latest to fall victim to our oppressive ‘cradle to the grave’ / ‘womb to tomb’ Nanny State government and this mess of an economic Debtocracy.
Unemployed or underemployed – not much difference when it comes to being systematically denied the ability to achieve the simplest of life’s aspirations. But that’s what the Plan’s all about - the price of social Darwinism: the dissolution of the family unit, and secular humanism.

To wit, their flawed rhetoric defeats any possibility of getting the moronic jobsworth twats to accept the logical view – that if there are no jobs then one has as much chance of being gainfully employed as winning the Euro lotto - but trying to get these tossers to accept this piece of stark reality is like trying to teach a tortoise to play ‘fetch!’

Although in this high tech’ age we latter day Luddites have unfortunately found ourselves stuck in, why not simply sign up the NEETs to ‘virtual jobs’ as they’re already receiving virtually fuck all in welfare benefits?

Stop press / drop the dead donkey: In line with the recent findings and recommendations of the Leveson report the Skewed News Views author apologises to Smegmadale-on-Sea residents living close to the nuclear power plant for any instances of ‘fear and alarm’ caused.

The example given was more at metaphoric than definite and there is no possibility that the DWP or Jobcentre Plus staff or the Jobmatch website software would recommend an unemployed ‘Bus Driver’ for the position of ‘Senior Technician’ overseeing the daily running and maintenance of a nuclear reactor.
However, this disclaimer does not apply to the Monster recruitment agency interviewing officer who might be more interested in achieving a ‘placement’ quota and topping up his performance bonus for the month – and as the individual doesn’t live within 50 miles - or downwind of - Smegmadale-on-Sea – they couldn’t give a flying fuck if the entire nuke plant went China Syndrome critical and exploded in a radioactive-rich multi-megaton fireball.

Thought for the day. Here we have yet another nasty instance of Orwellian ‘panopticon surveillance’ strategy being innocuously slotted into place and foisted on the common herd. If the data exists then some fucker and their dog will ‘data-mine’ it. So fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Spot on satire. This new Job Match website is a heap of shit and nowhere near as user-friendly as the old system - and the latest jobs are all a couple of weeks old - with isn't surprising in a de-industrialised, jobless wilderness.

wiggins said...

Anything our so called goverment (sic) touches, instantly turns into a heap of shite. Jobs....why are they advertising abroad for hod carriers and rat catchers? Can't the descendants of the Yeomen who fought at Agincourt do these tasks?