Tories Want Have-a-Go Hero Academies

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A survey conducted by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money claims 70% of Broken Britain’s common herd would simply say ‘Fuck it’ and carry on walking if they saw some old age pensioner getting mugged and having the shit kicked out of them by a gang of drunken juvenile yobsters.

Only 2% of the 1,784,000 people in England, Wales and Scotland surveyed by the Nosy-Gits poll group said they might intervene if it was their own Granny getting booted and robbed – or raped – with a further 21% stating emphatically that they’d ignore the incident, however violent and sanguine - as past instances of members of the public playing the hero and having a go ended up badly with ‘Braveheart’ beaten, stabbed and lying on a mortuary slab.

Or, at the opposite end of Karma’s scale, they’d laid into the offending scallies to protect the victim from further harm then were arrested themselves and charged with several counts of assault under Section 39 of the Criminal Justice Act 1988 – and even worse, Section 47 Offences against the Person Act 1861.

The survey found that, among those questioned, people in Scotland were the most likely to step in and assist the felons in their mugging and grab a few bob for themselves - while those in London were more inclined to do a runner in the other direction and not even bother using their cell phone to dial 999 due the fact the ambulance – or undertaker’s van - were likely to arrive long before a single warranted officer dispatched by the Met’s Plod Squad – or even a token force of PSCOs or a couple of the officious Community Enforcement morons from the Renta-Thug Security Agency .

Paul McKeever, chairman of the Police Federation, informed one press hack from the Vigilantes Gazette that “Okay, Posh Dave Scameron’s election campaign trail Big Society scheme of ‘Hug-a-Hoodie’ doesn’t seem to be working too well – unless you actually squeeze really hard and fracture their spine. But we have grave concerns about encouraging members of the public to take personal risks in circumstances where they may not have access to the support they need – such as a couple of handy mates in tow or a sawn off shotgun or a pickaxe shaft or length of lead pipe in their backpack.”

“With this twat of a Chancellor George Osborne gutting the national police force to the bone it’s going to come down to the man in the street to start policing his own neighbourhood and making citizen’s arrests.”
“Hence what we’re planning is to establish citizen police academies to teach regular folks – Mums and Dads – to combat criminal activity by arresting drunken scrotes and putting a stop to anti-social behaviour.”

“Obviously we don’t want this getting out of hand and the neighbourhoods forming their own lynch mobs – well not yet anyway – so with all police stations being closed as soon as it goes dark we’re going to recommend that the citizen arrest team simply tie-wrap the scally to a tree or fence by his wrists and leave him overnight until we send the Scrote Mobile around to collect them all in a morning.”

“Our think tank beardies believe the proposed academy training curriculum will provide the regular bloke on the street with the confidence and physical know-how (deadlegs / Chinese burns / side headlocks / half Nelson's) to intervene and put a stop to anti-social behaviour and minor criminal activities like underage boozing, peddling drugs - and ripping ATM machines out of the local bank’s wall with a JCB barrowed off a nearby construction site.”

“So to instil this ‘can do / have a go’ confidence there’s not going to be any of the old style “Ello, ello, elo – wot ave we ere then, eh” Dixon of Dock Green cuddly-feely approach. We intend to ship a pilot group of unemployed family men out to Syria for a six week stint of working with our covert 22nd SAS troopers embedded with the Islamic rebel terrorist groups the MoD and Foreign Office are sponsoring - and get some hands on experience in dealing with uppity civilian types in and around Damascus who don’t want to do as they’re told and volunteer for the Insta-Martyr Suicide Bomber Brigade.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.