Thursday, 20 December 2012

PlebGate Conspiracy Embroils Met Plod Squad

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Number 10’s spokeswoman Scabby Bertin, allegations that a serving uniformed member of the graft and corruption-ridden Met’s Plod Squad who falsely claimed to have witnessed former Chief Whip Andrew ‘Coco Pops’ Mitchell, the Tory MP for Sluts & Coldfeet, calling police "a bunch of dog wankers” and “scumbag plebs" - then leaked the fabricated story to the Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid for thirty pieces of silver – actions which have since resulted in his arrest and suspension from duty (sent home on gardening leave with full pay) - are being viewed by Tory Party legal beagles as, quote: ‘exceptionally serious’ – but a welcome stroke of ‘other foot’ scandal to distract the hapless proletariat from the fucked-up state of the British economy and their looming ‘Cratchit Christmas’.

The Met’ officer responsible for the asymmetric black propaganda hit, who cannot be identified for legal reasons (PC Frank McScrote of 69, Backstabber Terraces, Scumbag Hamlets, East London) posed as an anonymous member of the common herd who claimed to have witnessed the senseless squabble in which the obnoxious Mitchell attempted to pull rank and demanded Downing Street’s main gates be opened for him to ride his bike through as he was a VIP.
Then, taking refusal personally, he dissed the duty plods, referring to them as ‘morons’ and ‘knobheads’ who needed to learn their place in society’s pecking order and start cap-doffing and kowtowing to their Parliamentary betters who sported a Masonic Brotherhood compass and square badge on their jacket lapel.

The egoistic Mitchell, who was forced to resign from his government post over the PlebGate incident, then apologise to every fucker and their dog at Scotland Yard for his foul-mouthed tirade, denied the accusation that he referred to the duty plods as ‘knobheads’ but admitted he did suffer an ‘anger management’ lapse and swore at the officers for their lack of obeisance in the presence of one of the Libservative Coalition Cabinet’s High Panjandrums.

The Met’s head honcho, Commissioner Bernard Hulk-Hogan, informed the media that “A Diplomatic Protection Squad officer was arrested on Saturday as a result of our investigation into how the bloody hell national newspapers came to publish police records of the incident. Really, if it wasn’t bad enough to have Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation being run by that ginger-mingin slut Rebekah Brooks and sanctioning her gang of career criminal reporters to hack into every sodding thing in search of a juicy bit scandal - we now have our own plods abusing positions of trust and concocting character assassination fairy tales then flogging them to the gutter press.”

“So to have this unsavoury matter resolved before we get accused of another frigging cover up, I’m assigning no less than thirty CID officers to the inquiry – and I don’t want to hear any sarcastic jibes about them falling over each other’s feet either – or some bugger’s going to be on point duty at the crossroads in Stanley – in the Falklands.”

Conversely, Ron Twattbury, chairman of the Metropolitan Police Federation, informed reporters “We unequivocally and categorically refutes this current wave of media speculation regarding sinister intrigues and a conspiracy by members of the Diplomatic Protection Squad to stitch up cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell, who they considered a rude twat in need of a lesson in come-uppance and humility.”

However, the House of Conmans Speaker’s troll of a missus, Sally ‘Tweetie Pie’ Bercow, gossiping to a gaggle of press hacks in Parliament’s Stranglers Bar on conditions of off-the-record anonymity, after several pints of Titsup Totty Tankard revealed she’d accidentally eavesdropped on a conversation that “The Tory Party high command in the Downing Street Fuhrer bunker are of an opinion all this was a plot by subversive elements of the Met’s DPS to unseat Mitchell for being such an obnoxious prick with an ego that exceeds his limited intellect.”

“What’s even more disturbing is the fact that Posh Dave Scameron and Nicky Clegg think New Labour’s Millipede Junior might be involved in the shit-stirring of petty rivalries and faction in-fighting just to smear their Coalition – and he and that mouthy git Ed Balls have been egging on the Met’s disgruntled DPS - those comprehensive school-educated oicks - to field this dirty tricks campaign to bring down the government as Georgie Osborne and Theresa May are intent on fulfilling their budget austerity drive by slashing their pay, perks and pensions - and making the Plod Squad’s deadwood redundant.”

Not wishing to miss out on an opportunity to get his photo taken and spout some irrelevant crap to the gutter press, London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, spoke to reporters outside Common Purpose’s Islington HQ, where he’d been attending a social engineering leadership NLP refresher pep talk and learning how to tie ‘String Theory’ proponents in knots.

“These allegations that a serving police officer skulked so low as to pose as a member of the public and fabricated evidence to toxify the Conservative Party is a matter of criminal intent which will be investigated by the Independent Police Coverups Commission. Meanwhile I personally welcome Commissioner Bernard Hulk-Hogan's commitment to apply the tried and tested Spanish Inquisition style interrogation techniques – and start tightening the thumbscrews to extract a few confessions and get to the truth of the matter.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Fletch said...

Nice one - below the belt for the lot of them.

wiggins said...

I prefer Rope Theory for all the twats........

Quinn said...

Ah yes, come the Day of the Rope....chuckles.