Austerity – Not Charity – Begins at Home

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

‘Austerity Dave’ Scameron, leader of the UK’s pantomime farce of a Libservative Coalition, claims public spending budgets now need to be pared down even further. Not just to the bone but now the actual marrow – which includes stripping the meat from all forms of social benefits for the vulnerable members of our society – the elderly, the disabled, single mothers, the unemployed and the homeless – and perhaps eventually even the tens of thousands of scrounging, job-stealing EU pikey immigrants.

This, Dave reasons, is to fill the fiscal state of ‘Debtocracy’ hole caused by the incompetent spendthrift policies of Gordon ‘Incapability’ Broon and Alistair ‘The Albino’ Darling – and the rest of the past New Labour regime fiasco that made a total bollocks of the UK’s economy and put the prefix ‘Broken’ in front of Britain.

However, severe austerity measures besides and forget the Dickensian parable about ‘charity begins at home’ – the Tory Chancellor Georgie ‘First Class’ Osborne has managed to rustle up some £3 billion quid in spare cash to squander on hare-brained global warming prevention / climate change aid schemes to a bunch of Third World basket case kleptocracies – with a £15 million nicker tranche of British taxpayers’ money spent on a ludicrous scam aimed at reducing the bovine flatulence of cattle in cocaine-rich Colombia.

The aid sham was exposed recently by the ever-vigilant Ripoffs Gazette – with a £15 million nicker bonus earmarked for payment to the dodgy Fedegan Cartel of Colombian ranchers to improve animal diets by cultivating trees and plants on their grazing lands to reduce the amount of ‘greenhouse gas’ methane escaping through belching and farting – when all they have to do is feed the fuckers coca leaves to stop the ass-end flatulence as the beef on the hoof would be spaced out 24/7.

Beside representing a total waste of money, the scheme has darker undertones as the Fedegan Cartel is linked to a group of paramilitary homicidal maniacs – specifically the United Self-Defence Forces of Colombia, a motley collection of ultra-right paramilitary groups designated a terrorist organisation by the United States and the European Union – although in reality they’re little more than a criminal gang responsible for hundreds of assassinations and kidnappings of political opponents – with former Fedegan president Jorge Shitbaggio - an individual notorious for his inability to tell the truth regardless of the question asked - arrested in March on conspiracy and drug-running charges and forty-odd counts of murder.

Hence human rights and wrongs groups in Columbia are asking – quite rightly so - why the British taxpayers are contributing (mayhap reluctantly / unknowingly) to the maintenance of the Fedegan Cartel, and by association the Columbian government - itself a vile, living, breathing monument to state-sponsored criminality run for the benefit of the elitist oligarch ruling classes – that percentage of the world which uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from - with an integrated bureaucratic system so infested with crooks, graft and corruption that the entire national administration is no longer able to operate without such a cesspit of bottom feeders in place.

Hmmm, why indeed, they might well ask. Perhaps due the fact the UK’s Greg Barker, the Tory Minister responsible for oversight at the Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC) left such vital questions to the World Bank, which concluded that the Fedegan Cartel was a suitable recipient for financial aid from Broken Britain’s cash-strapped taxpayers.

Questioned on the Fedegan Cartel funding, Baker’s DECC claimed it was satisfied with the World Bank’s thorough assessment and that the proposed planting scheme had been shown to be successful elsewhere – especially so since they’d discovered that wood grew on trees.

Then to add insult to injury we have a tranche of £14 million quid in climate aid finance going to carbon footprint reduction projects in the officially stigmatised homophobic, ‘bash-a-faggot’ shithole of Uganda - despite the Kampala regime recently gaining the prestigious top ten slot on the East African bribery index and Parliament thus blocking all aid to the dump due the culture of corruption that, like Columbia, pervades every aspect of the nation’s government.

Next on the pantomime list of vendre un canard à moitié (to half-sell a duck) money-squandering schemes is £31 million in taxpayer funds going to Turkey – a middle-ranking economy with its own batteries of Patriot missiles and financially capable of staging a war of sabre-rattling aggression with their Syrian neighbours – to help develop their geo-thermal and wind power projects.

This fiasco was followed a close second by Tory Minister Justine ‘Piranha Teeth’ Greenthing – (now head of the Department for International Development since making a total bollocks of the Transport Ministry portfolio – and the West Coast Mainline franchise bid) – who suffered yet another of her habitual ‘blonde moments’ and okayed the funding for a ridiculous ‘areas of common interest’ conference in Kenya between tribal ‘rain-makers’ (witch doctors) and a bunch of beardie and anorak meteorologists and affiliated hanger-on weather men types – all with more degrees than an industrial thermometer - representing the UK Met Office – to assess the accuracy of predicting weather patterns by observing the movement of ants and measuring the wind using the tops of earthenware bottles.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, nice to know your tax money – and sadly diminished welfare benefits – are being put to good use.
While there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist a phenomenon, and all too frequently displayed, known as ‘conventional political stupidity’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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