Toddlers Arrested for Spitting Dummy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Disregarding the scandalous tally of wee kilted bairns that – according to the negative propaganda spin being proclaimed by the red top gutter press - seem intent on establishing a juvenile crime syndicate in Britain’s north of the border ‘Nonce Land’ – south of Hadrian’s Wall an alarming excess of 209,000 under-sixteen youngsters were detained by police in England and Wales last year - with a gob-smacking 2,117 of this demographic statistic below the age of nine.

However, presenting an argument of mitigating circumstances, civil rights campaigners claim just a quarter of those children arrested were ever found guilty of any misdemeanour that qualified as a criminal offence - with most being picked up by cruising teams of moronic PCSOs, or officious Community Enforcement fascists seconded from G4S or another of our panopticon surveillance society’s Renta-Thug Security Agencies - for indulging in pranks and minor mischief such as moving precision-placed wheelie bins closer to the kerb – or leaving lumps of Poundland ‘plastic doggy poo’ on a neighbour’s doorstep.

One particular case at Scallydale-on-Sea involved four hapless seven-year old youngsters being swooped on by a crew of Plod Squad dipshits for throwing sticks into the upper branches of a horse chestnut tree to gather a crop of seasonal conkers – all of whom were lucky to avoid jail time and a criminal record after attending a compulsory HSE risk assessment seminar on the dangers of gravity and the concept of ‘what goes up must come down’ - and by agreeing to sign the Conker Offenders Register.

Another cockamamie case in Dorksford saw an 11-year-old schoolboy, Ronnie Gnasher, subjected to arrest and interrogation on a charge of suspicion of hate-crime after causing ‘fear and alarm’ by calling a classmate, one Simon Fudger, ‘gay’ – yet who established a legal first when in his own defence stated for the local Magistrate’s Court record “Bollocks ter his sensibilities being’ upset - wot the fuck am I supposed ter call the little faggot when he comes an’ sits next ter me at the bus stop, puts his effin’ arm around me, plonks a kiss on me cheek an’ sez “Can I suck yer cock, sweetie pie?”

While the numbers of children collared by our national Plod Squad and transported to the Antipodes shackled in leg irons have appreciatively fallen since Dickensian times and the death of Queen Victoria – (thanks to Xbox and Play Station video games keeping kids off the streets) - the Wackford Squeers League for Penal Reform claims childhood arrests can lead to numerous problems later in life - with some youngsters struggling to access further education and even find remunerative employment when they have some batshit criminal charge listed on their police form sheet for playing conkers without wearing the EU-mandated safety apparel – or a record for making homophobic remarks when refusing the sodomic advances of some playground poofter.

Sister Bev Titwank, director of the St Scrote’s Lifeline for Latter Day Scallies charity, opined to one reporter from the Old Lags Gazette that “I personally blame Bliar’s New Labour government for this situation as Teflon Tony encouraged his namesake Ian Bliar at the Met’ to arrest every fucker and their dog for the slightest social transgression. Hence the success of active street policing was measured by the number of arrests and any child with a bent for a spot of mischief was handcuff fodder for upping the statistics and adding to the New World Order’s DNA databank.”

“Now this dingbat Gilbert & Sullivan fiasco of a Libservative Coalition we’re unfortunately stuck with until 2015 have sanctioned the plods to carry on with the same ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to every fucking thing – which to my mind is an ethical violation of conduct and the misuse of official powers where it applies to the arrests of children when they know they can extract a confession for ‘whatever’ – and issue a caution – as any such ‘more scent than substance’ charge would fail the DPP’s Full Code Test with regards to evidence and the public interest.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.