Monday, 31 December 2012

Travel Agents Diss NASA Crew’s Lunar Tours

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A team of former NASA technicians and exec’s – all Trekkie addicts - has launched a private space venture – Ripoff Rockets Inc - to send wannabee astronauts (with more money than sense) to the Moon for a mere US$1.4 billion bucks apiece – that’s a first class return trip fare, by the way, and includes all in-flight entertainment, earphones, sandwiches and complimentary drinks – plus oxygen.
It might well be one hefty lump to charge against your credit card – but think of all the frequent flier miles you’d clock up with the round trip – and no limit on the re-entry duty free allowance.

As the elder members of society might recall, if not already stricken with Alzheimer’s or galloping dementia, the good ole US of A became the first - and only - nation to land on the Moon in 1969 – thanks to Stanley Kubrick’s imaginative directorship, Neil Armstrong’s natural acting ability and special ‘lunar studio’ effects – a feat the Russians have never been able to equal, let alone beat, due their movie industry being what film enthusiasts class as ‘utter crap’.

Costs and waning interest has prevented America from staging any other lunar missions, with President Barky O’Barmy cancelling a planned NASA return to the Moon with the justification that the Great Satan had already been there - and now was the time for some all-new destination to go where Uncle Sam’s astronauts had never gone before – such as Venus or the Sun.

So who from the ranks of the rich and shameless will want to risk their lives on NASA’s Ripoff Rockets madcap venture? Surely no fucker or their dog who ever rented a Blockbuster Video copy of Apollo 13 – or downloaded the same from Pirate Bay – and suddenly realised that the RAC and AA don’t cover breakdowns outside the Earth’s atmosphere.

However the multi-zillionaire Russian oligarch, Oleg Mobsaroubles, owner of Wankprom Oil and Gulag Gaz, has apparently made an as-yet unconfirmed booking on Ripoff Rockets maiden voyage for himself and long-time girlfriend, the Ukrainian celebrity night club stripper Tekem Orloff.

Mobsarouble told one press hack from the Headbangers Gazette that “I have my own fleet of executive jets and joined the Five Mile High Club years ago - then we tell the pilots to fly at six miles high, then seven – so we can set another record - then they say they cannot so we hire one of Roscosmos rockets to fly us to the International Space Station where we become the first couple to have gravity-free sex in orbit. Now as soon as these ex-NASA people get their shit together we are going to set a record for the first human couple to have a bonk on the Moon.”

Conversely, killjoy critics such as Thomas Cook Tours and Titsup Travel have slammed the concept with a sour grapes vengeance – along with the ever-petulant Richard Branson going into his customary whinge mode that some fucker might be getting one up on him – and the ex-NASA team’s Ripoff Rockets venture have stolen his own long term idea for the Virgin Galactic flights – if the aeronautic glued-together monstrosity is able to launch the orbital craft slung under its belly.

Chlamydia Mingerot, sales director for Titsup Travel, opined to media hacks that “Good grief, where are people going to stay, I ask you? There are no motels and a total lack of tourist attractions – no fast food outlets, no swimming pools – and just think of the risk of allergies with all that dust.”
“Then we have the distinct possibility of developing deep vein thrombosis on the long flight – even if passengers wear one of those elastic stocking thingies - plus a chance of a stroke while on the Moon due the low gravity.”

Perhaps Jules Verne, Bulwer Lytton and HG Wells might well turn in their graves, but this is the space race of today with quantum leap advances in celestial mechanics and astro-technology. Just look at North Korea under the innovative leadership of His Imperial Fatness Kim Jong-Un – their Paranoia III booster rockets can now reach as far as Japan before they crash into the sea – and Hamas’ scientists, operating from a dug-out under Mama al Balawi’s matzo bakery in Gaza are developing a jet propulsion system for their Qassam IX missile that has the capability to clear Israel’s 30-foot high Great Apartheid Wall to have its sub-nuclear weed killer and sugar combination warhead explode inside the rogue Zionist state’s own borders.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, a day out trip to the Moon - be nice for an off planet ‘stop and shop’ excursion – with a flying visit to the alien base deep below the Tycho Crater in the Sea of Constipation and find out who’s actually in charge of the hollowed-out lunar satellite– the Greys or the Reptoids from the Draco star system.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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