Cellulite Eric Slams Local Gov’ Tossers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Tory Party’s Secretary for Communities and Local Government, Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, (formerly Shadow Minister for Jaffa Cake Affairs) went into dummy spitting mode earlier this week and informed one press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that town halls should stop wasting barrow loads of taxpayers’ money on expensive training courses run by the likes of Julia Middleton’s neo-fascist Common Purpose social engineering group.

The triple-chinned Pickles called on councils to spend less time further embellishing their already gold-plated pension pots and organising expensive junkets for numpty aldermen and junior support staff to go off on Common Purpose leadership seminars which could cost up to £10,000 quid per week.

“These local authority bigwigs need to start reviewing how they’re wasting public money and get the gulley sucker contractors off their idle arses and cleaning out the gutter drains before every bugger’s front room gets flooded again with this imminent ‘Wet Christmas’ dowry of parmy that the Met have so kindly forecast for us - and at the same time hoof their Highways Department scallies out of their nice warm sheds and set the Tarmite hot patch teams to work on filling in the potholes that are spreading up and down our roads faster than chicken pox blisters on a diabetic leper’s bum.”

The bloated Pickles’ advice to solve bloated local authority staffing and get shut of legions of shiny-arsed jobsworths is included in a newly-published HMSO booklet – ‘Fat Eric’s Food for Thought’ - on how to make deeper budget cuts and savings without affecting public services – or voting for UKIP at the next election.

Other money-saving ideas in the porcine Minister's handbook of 'Fifty Thrifty' measures that would make even Scrooge cringe include spending less on translating official documents – such as council tax demands and court summonses for non-payment of the same - into Cyrillic, Sanskrit and Arabic alphabet scripts - and all manner of Pikey and assorted immigrant dialects and a swathe of other foreign languages – including Welsh – plus putting an end to the fielding of intrusive questionnaires to residents concerning their sexual orientation, bowel movement habits and religions of choice – and where to report any suspicious terrorist type of activities by their Muslim neighbours.

During a walkabout round his Bentwood constituency on Tuesday, Pickles opined to the media that “Every fucker and their dog in the public sector needs to do their bit to pay off this zillion quid budget deficit that the frigging New Labour Party saddled the country with due having a succession of moronic Scots in charge of the Treasury - first that useless nonce git Broon, then his albino mate Alistair Darling."

“Hence local councils need to focus on cutting waste and making sensible savings to protect frontline services and keep council tax down - before the stony broke proletariat go apeshit and throw a wobbler - and start a sodding revolution with the tumbrels set to roll again.”

“That’s why I’m pushing the buggers to cut the crap with these old boy networking scams such as sending staff off to Common Purpose to get their stupid heads filled with the United Nation’s Agenda 21 policies on how to keep the common herd down and implement the Rockefellers’ Georgia Guidestones selective breeding eugenics programmes - so disabled persons and dysfunctional, unemployed families are stopped from breeding any more shit-for-brains useless eater kids.”
“Common Purpose has been pushing this type of social engineering crap with local authorities since 2000 – and now they’re heavily into promoting the Liverpool Care Pathway as well – which to my mind is a euphemism for assisted suicide – and as some claim – extra-judicial murder.”

Last month the Daily Shitraker ran a front page expose revealing that Common Purpose agents provocateurs had slithered their way into the Leveson inquiry with three totalitarian-minded tosspots - including Sir David Ding-Dong – with the sole intent of promoting their own media / information flow control policies.

Canny scumbag watchers might recall that Ding-Dong was one of the trustees of the not-fit-for-purpose Bureau of Investigative Journalism which expedited the botched inquiry into child sexual abuse at the Bryn Estyn Welsh care home which led to the cyberspace naming of the Swiss-Irish breakfast cereal tycoon, Lord Alfie McAlpen as one of the major kiddie fiddlers addicted to playing with little boys bums.

Responding to Pickles’ statements, Fellattia van der Gamm of the TaxPayers’ Alliance opined that “Being a BNP supporter meself I think Eric Pickles is just a big dollop of cellulite on two legs like an effin’ Teletubbie – an’ about two steps away from a fatal heart attack or stroke – or both. However, wot he sez might just wake councillors up ter the fact they’ve got the job ter represent community residents rather than forge personal careers as money-grubbing twats out fer themselves an’ fuck everyone else.”
“Wot I did like woz when he announced that henceforth senior staff pay will be cut, recruitment of further arse-polishing jobsworths frozen, first-class travel banned, an’ spendin’ on outside consultants cut back ter sweet fuck all – an’ ter really put the effin’ boot in, from 2014 all councillor’s taxpayer-funded pensions are ter be scrapped.”

Thought for the day. The Common Purpose neuro-linguistic programming / brainwashing group exists as a ‘for profit’ social engineering control mechanism entity and is not to be confused with Common Porpoise – a genuine charity serving the needs of distressed pelagic mammals.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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