Thursday, 20 December 2012

Naked Chef Sued for Telling Naked Truth

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jamie Oliver, the man who single-handedly embarrassed Broken Britain’s Department of Education into feeding school children healthy ‘5-a-day’ meals and not just deep fried fast food slop - then went on to name and shame Bernard Matthews & Co as the turkeys that produced ‘Toxic Twizzlers’ and didn’t give a flying fuck about kid’s diets where profits were concerned - is once again copping a barrage of flack – only this time around from across the pond and our cock-sucking American Cousins (sic) in the good ole US of A – for claiming their ‘pink slime’ beef looks and tastes like – er – pink slime.

The Naked Chef bashed the sci-fi alien substance on his US TV show ‘Jamie's Food Revolution’, in which gob-smacked Yank viewers still equipped with two brain cells to rub together were outraged when informed that popular factory processed fast foods such as their main daily staple ‘burgers’ were made from what British housewives traditionally refer to as ‘scrag-end’.

This is the waste sections of a butchered animal carcass fit only for feeding to cats - which in the good ole US of A is converted into the desired vomitous ‘finely textured’ pink slime state by heating to the Nth degree then spun at high speed in a centrifuge to separate the meat from the fat, before the final product is – believe it or not – ‘gassed into shape’ with blasts of ammonium hydroxide gas to kill off any bacteria.

Oh yes, you read that correctly - ammonium hydroxide gas – used to snuff traces of E. coli 0157:H7 (the one that makes you shit through the eye of a needle and leaves your arsehole looking – and feeling - like a burst red tulip) but which also carries the potency to wipe out colonies of ‘gastric friendly’ Lactoacillus casei, Helicobacter Pylori and D. radiodurans bacterial flora in the stomach that we need to maintain peak health.

So, ammonium hydroxide: available on all good supermarket shelves - contained in such domestic products as window cleaning fluid, carpet shampoo and furniture polish – a chemical of extreme toxicity that, once ingested on a regular basis, accumulates in the organs of any living creature at cellular level and wreaks havoc not only on the metabolism but also human DNA.

But that’s fuck all as the actual ‘lean n mean’ pink slime is then blended with no fewer than forty ingredients and unnecessary additives, which include water, rusk, wheat starch, three carcinogenic sweeteners - acesulfame potassium, sodium cyclamate and the controversial neurotoxin aspartame – along with lashings of hardened or hydrogenated vegetable oil ‘and’ colourings ‘and’ flavourings – and they still call it ‘beef’. Que? WTF?

Oliver is staunch opponent of all Monsanto & Co’s genetically-modified crops (GMO’s) along with hormone-boosted / antibiotic-ridden dairy and meat products which unfortunately constitute the basis for today’s ever-popular microwave-fresh insta-tumour bio-spew Mutant Meals and Frankenfoods.

Speaking to a press hack from the Salmonella Gazette, Jamie – never one to mince words - summed up his damning diatribe of dissing the ‘slime burgers’ with: “So there you go – the cost to human health of eating convenience foods - Soylent Pink for the 21st Century – and personally I wouldn’t feed the crap to next door’s dog – or me mother-in-law – and I can’t stand either of the fuckers. Really, I kid you not, I’d sooner slug back a spittoon full of sputum off the floor of a Mexican whore house bar than eat a plateful of that shit.”

As to the pending law suite, Billy Bob McScrote, a disgruntled worker with a vindictive chip on his shoulder the size of a King Edward tater who was laid off by Mad Cow Meat Products - the main suppliers to the major Greedy Grocer supermarket chains: Wal-Mart, Pestco, Mammon & Snobfords, Pukesburys and Shiteland along with the US’s major Chew n Spew fast food franchise which plays host to the ever-popular Cilla’s Chunderama, Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Pukerella’s Pizza and Pol Pot Insta-Noodles outlets – is in the process of suing the celebrity chef – (along with food blogger Chlamydia Mingerot and ABC News) – for $70,000 bucks.

McScrote claims their collective publicly broadcast derision and whistle-blowing condemnation of the Mad Cow Meat product - and use of the term ‘pink slime’ - caused their sales to plummet, with the closure of the North Dakota based Maggots End processing plant where he was employed as a Senior Slime Technician – resulting in the loss of his livelihood.

Thought for the day. Rumour holds that Oliver’s comments on the law suit are not fit for printing – however mention has been made of fielding the iconic Arkell vs Pressdram response to any legal action against him: specifically ‘Fuck off’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

Funneeee - pissed myself - almost