Leveson Report Splits Coalition

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Tory’s dumpy culture, media & sport secretary, Maria ‘Remploy’ Miller, yet another egoist on a personal mission to qualify for a peerage since taking over the post from the corruption-smeared Jeremy ‘Mr Fix-it’ Hunt (he of the perpetual shit-eating grin and BSkyB notoriety) in Posh Dave Scameron’s September cabinet reshuffle, has thrown down the gauntlet and issued another of her customary ‘Read This, Tremble and Obey’ edicts – this time giving the country’s disabled persons a break and instead warning the UK’s gutter press newspapers to conjure up a better idea for self-regulation than the farcical proposal they fielded to the Leveson Inquiry.

Red top tabloid editors will meet with the ginger-mingin Miller on Tuesday to discuss their response to Leveson’s report – whether to take heed or simply ignore the censorious content and carry on with the laissez faire ‘couldn’t give a flying fuck’ hack-a-thon attitude that has governed the industry since the days of pro-Crapitalist press barons Randolph Hearst and Henry Luce who believed that bribes were simple ‘facilitation fees’ and bad news with a touch of sordid scandal sold more papers.

The 2,000,000-page ‘Leveson Report’ into the prevailing cesspit culture of press practices and ethics, released on Thursday, has already attracted the attentions of the Guinness World Records publishers as it would, if all the A4 pages – comprising the equivalent of a total of 23 hectares of pulped tropical rain forest - were laid end to end, stretch from News International’s London offices in Thomas More Square to Raving Rupert Mudrock’s personal penthouse eyrie atop New York’s prestigious Dirty Digger Towers - and back again - 25 times.

Following the eight-month taxpayer-funded inquiry, Lord Justice Leveson claims the entire newspaper industry - having failed to self-regulate its criminal activities in the past - must create a new and tough Spanish Inquisition style of supervisory body which needs to be backed by capital punishment legislation to ensure lackadaisical press editors and their dog wanker journalists take notice and call a halt to talking to whistle-blowing MoD weapons inspectors, engaging in phone hacking, bribing public officials, spending long weekends at Chequers – and borrowing horses off the Met.

The report goes straight for the proverbial jugular and makes no bones in its condemnatory language, labelling press behaviour as ‘very naughty’ – and branding News International’s part in the scandal of socio-political delinquency as typical of what one might expect when an Australian is allowed to run a British newspaper of the calibre of the now-defunct Sunday Shitraker.

One thing the Leveson report has exposed are the chasmic divisions in this pantomime of a Libservative Coalition government, with PM Scameron opposing statutory control, while his turncoat Lib-Dum deputy, Mick Clogg is pushing for tighter press control legislation to be introduced immediately – if not sooner.

New Labour’s child prodigy leader Ed Millipede also supports the introduction of more stringent press laws- preferably ones that will block newspapers from printing embarrassing stories concerning his juvenile lack of political savvy.
Conversely, Scabby Acrobati, director of the activist group Kunt-Watch, claims any move to impose compulsory press regulation will breach the provisions of the Human Rights Act.

Further to the report’s release, inquiry witnesses Gerry McScrote and Chlamydia Mingerot launched an online petition – (40,000 signatures in the first 24 hours) - run by their Jacked Off campaign group, to use the Leveson findings as ground to field a witch hunt and burn offending news chiefs and hacks – such as Andy Coulson (Downing Street’s answer to Joseph Goebbels) and Rebekah Wade Brooks - at the stake.

In the wake of cross-party talks at the House of Conmans - which are set to resume next week – Miller’s Culture, Media and Sport department will begin the process of drawing up a draft bill set to implement Lord Justice Leveson’s recommendations – which is pre-fated for the death knell veto as soon as it hits the Lords upper chamber.

So the question of the day remains- can press self-regulate? Easy, if they do the same as the rest of polite society and stop breaking the laws of the land – or end up the same as those that do – behind bars and sharing a cell with some scumbag expenses-embezzling – or kiddie fiddling - lowlife MP.

Thought for the day. As for Maria Miller, while Minister for Disabled People, she presided over the closing down of half the Remploy factories in the UK, and her final coup de grace act before leaving the DWP was to slap the sacked Remploy staff with an emergency tax deduction on their ‘in lieu of notice’ pay – which ripped off 50% of their last minimum wage salary cheque.

But Miller’s a creature of muddled moral ethics – for while voting to reduce the legal limit for abortions to 20 weeks she backs the act of unnatural marriage between same sex partners – then claims a gob-smacking £124,727 quid of taxpayers’ funds in Parliamentary expenses for 2011.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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