Tory Call to Repeal Foxhunting Ban

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sinister moves to repeal the ban on hunting with dogs in England and Wales by elitist parties of self-interest are not set to occur in the coming year. Well, that’s the gospel according to Environment Secretary Owen ‘The Cobbler’ Paterson (formerly Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs) – but speaking to a gutter press hack from the Vivisectionists Gazette, insisted he was still in favour of pushing the Coalition to give MPs a free vote on lifting the ban.

More than 300 fancy dress hunts gathered for their traditional Boxing Day meets, although it’s been illegal to hunt animals with large, nasty dogs in England and Wales for seven years – and in Scotland since 2002 – even though rigorous moral campaigns and petitions besides, the ingrained sport of kiddie fiddling north of the border still seems indemnified against being successfully targeted by a Nonce Ban.

Paterson, known for his ghastly taste in ties and having the dress sense of a pikey tramp, is viewed by Tory Party hard-liners as an authentic blood sports environmental pillager at heart who shares their barbaric instincts to repeal New Labour’s 2004 Hunting Act so the landed gentry can get back on with their favoured historic pastimes of coursing hares, baiting badgers, cock fighting and chasing Bolshie peasants through what remains of our once-sceptred isle’s dark forests with savage hounds.

The incumbent Tory MP for North Slopshire, Paterson has been, until recently, bed-ridden and recovering from a nasty case of Bovine TB, contracted after being bitten by an irate badger who didn’t take kindly to a 12 gauge shotgun being poked into his sett by the obnoxious MP doing his bit for the now-aborted genocidal ‘brock cull’.
Accident prone bad luck seems to follow Paterson around like the spectre of the Grim Reaper as in his previous post of Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs he was stricken with a chronic case of Ash Dieback Disease.

Anti-blood sport activists and political critics alike have been quick to point out that Paterson is the wrong man for this job due being a keen equestrian with personal sympathies for the foxhunt culture, and a man who boasts - while in his cups - to have galloped across Turkmenistan at full pelt while being pursued by a gang of Uzbek arse bandits intent on buggering him.

Conversely while Paterson might be very much a party creature he still retains some element of the pragmatist within his corrupted political soul and is wholly aware that reintroducing the debate on hunting in the House of Conmans would simply reinforce what Ed Millipede's New Labour gang are broadcasting to the media and common herd – that the Tories are out of touch with the aspirations of the voting public – a fact that quite possibly won’t dawn on them until the next General Election when they have to move out of Downing Street and off Parliament’s front benches to make room for Nigel Barrage and his UKIP boys.

Candida Mingerot, the official spokesperson for DEFRA, informed media hacks that "Okay, the government might well have pledged to put forward a motion to allow a free vote on the Hunting Act – which doesn’t amount to much really considering all the other election campaign trail pledges Scameron and Mick Clogg have broken since slithering into power as Coalition partners.”

However, Ms Mingerot’s little revelation besides, Owen the Cobbler insisted it was still the government's intention to have a free vote - but needed to choose an appropriate moment – such as the next time the Met Plod Squad pull one of their extra-judicial killings and snuff another half-chat scally cum local Anti-Christ wannabee down in Tottenham and a series of nation-wide riots kick off – or MI5 and Mossad decide to stage another 7/7 false flag Muslim terrorist attack on the London tube system – providing the ideal opportunity to repeal the Hunting Act, while the moronic public are glued to their telly screens and wholly distracted from what’s really going on in the world.

Responding to Paterson's comments, the shadow environment secretary, Mary McSkanger, told MSM reporters that "Most people – and foxes - back New Labour's ban on hunting animals with nasty dogs. The peasants are having anxiety attacks about being made redundant and having their mortgages foreclosed and this bunch of Tory twats wants to bring back hunting – which to us indicates that something is totally fucked up with Posh Dave Scameron’s sense of priorities."

McSkanger’s comments follow on the heels of a recent successful RSPCA prosecution of two members of the Scumborough Hunt which has proved that illegal hunting is still a reality.
Apparently the hunt's organisers told the court they should, under the statutes of feudal law and tradition, be entitled, as landowners, to hunt whatever the fuck they liked on their own property – or that of some cap-doffing tenant farmer – and have their hounds tear hares, badgers and foxes to ribbons as that was the entire essence of blood sports.

Regardless of the arrogance of the gentry, the Hunting Act states emphatically, without one shred of ambiguity, that the rich and shameless are no longer allowed to use hounds to chase down foxes, but instead have the doggy-woggys follow the scent of a drag lure, laid in advance – as per the Boxing Day Smegmadale Hunt which used an artificial trail of synthetic ‘pikey scent’ – put down by dragging an Albanian swan poacher’s shirt and jock strap across the fields half an hour before.

Speaking to BBC Radio 4's ‘Exterminators Hour’ programme, the House of Lords spokesman on hunting, Lord Barney White-Spunker, was joined by Lord Stilton of the Wastrels, and opined that "Any debate on repealing the Hunting Act is going to take up valuable Parliamentary time and resources and the Coalition’s got its hands full right now with other priorities – such as overthrowing the legitimate Assad government in Syria and getting set for a shooting war with those Muslim terrorist johnnies over in Iran who’ve made a heap of atom bombs out of biscuit tins like they do on Scrapheap Challenge.”

Okay, a quick show of hands here – who’s for repealing the foxhunting ban?
Well, no fucker at the Jobcentre seems keen on the idea so we’ll let it stand – just to piss off all the upper class toffs who participate in this wealthy man’s game – the sport of the rich and shameless. Well, it must be - how many unemployed oicks do you see hosting the stirrup cup and shouting ‘Tally-Ho!’ as they ride off to hounds on their bay gelding?

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals – foxes, badgers, otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of the landed gentry were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day. Political posturing besides, it all amounts to fucking hypocrisy anyway when the British government – past and present – bear responsibility for scores of unjustified ‘blood sport’ MQ-9 Reaper drone attacks on civilian targets in Afghanistan and Pakiland. Juxtaposed with a couple of Shitstreak missiles bearing down on a laser-lit / DGPS-locked target (school / hospital / orphanage) - then the fox is on a winner as at least he can hear a pack of hounds coming after his red-tailed ass.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.