Monday, 3 December 2012

Shale Gas Exploiters told ‘Frack Off!’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The festive season’s December countdown to Christmas got off to a fine start in London on Saturday with a demonstration staged by a massed mob of irate protesters who gathered around Grosvenor Square to hurl handfuls of ripe dogshit at both the Canadian High Commission and the US Embassy in a graphic display of their outrage at the continued exploitation of high-carbon tar sands in Alberta and the construction of the 1,700 mile Keystone Pipeline to get the crap down to Texas for processing and oil extraction.

The semi-unruly horde, formerly the Campaign Against Climate Change – now rebranded as the ‘Campaign Against Anything The Government Does’ - later marched to Parliament Square, where they cobbled together an imitation 25 foot high fracking rig outside the House of Conmans – constructed from used matches, lolly sticks, plastic takeaway ‘sporks’ and Jobcentre ball pens – all securely jointed with copious applications of Blu Tack – then hoisted a P45 and redundancy pink slip-stuffed effigy of the Lib-Dum Energy Secretary ‘Anorexia Ed’ Davey to the top and set the entire shebang ablaze using an environmentally-friendly pine oil based accelerant to provide the desired ‘inferno’ effect.

Taking a break from matters involving leviathan pelagic mammals, the Greenpeace group joined the affray and stirred up the crowd with a report published during the past week by the red top Daily Shitraker that 65% of our once-sceptred isle’s green and pleasant countryside – a swathe ranging from the English Channel coastline to central Scotland - specifically some 32,000 square miles - has been earmarked for shale gas extraction via the controversial ‘insta-tremor’ fracking method.

Scabby Acrobati, the feisty spokeswoman for the Twat-Watch activist group, informed gutter press hacks that "Two thirds of Broken Britain has been targeted by our not-fit-for-purpose Department of Energy to undergo this dodgy seismic risk-fraught, aquifer-polluting, costly method of fossil fuel extraction – and believe me, all the positive propaganda spin promoting the potential for shale gas to bring down your energy bills is a pile of overhyped bullshit as there’s one fuck of a difference between the amount of gas that the likes of Cuadrilla Resources claim might exist and what can be technically and commercially extracted without splitting the British Isles into fragmented chunks of geological upheaval detritus.”

“The amount of opposition this poxy Libservative Coalition joke has seen so far against wind farms is fuck all to what it is going to cop for if they dare even consider lifting the moratorium on fracking and allow these environmental pillagers to go ahead and devastate our countryside – and worse still – what lies beneath.”

“Shale gas release is a very short term non-renewable energy source – not aboitic in its nature like crude oil – and the subterranean ‘out of sight / out of mind’ damage the method causes – pumping liver and kidney-killer toxic chemical and solvent cocktail blends like EXP-F0173-11 underground at high pressures to fragment the rocks - will come back to haunt us for generations hence.”
“Hey, this is the underground equivalent of Japan’s Fuckupshima nuclear reactor meltdown and the sodding chemtrails spraying - and Monsanto’s ‘Roundup Ready’ toxic pesticide being injected straight into our soil and water table – another Agenda 21 mass population cull tactic – a genetic attack on the common herd to mutate our DNA and have us all getting insta-tumours and Morgellons.”

Energy Minister Davey, formerly the Lib-Dum shadow minister for pork pie affairs, in an attempt to salvage some semblance of credibility for the fracking project that Chancellor Osborne is so keen to see launched due the income it will pour into his coffers, informed the media “Okay, perhaps this method of shale gas extraction did get a spot of bad press after fracking operations in Lancashire polluted the Permo-Triassic Aquifer due the release of arsenic salts from the bedrock – then set Blackpool’s iconic tower rocking with a minor earthquake, which resulted in scores of tourists on the apex viewing platform suffering involuntary bowel movements as a result of the fear and alarm factor."

“However I’ve recently received an e-mail from the anoraks and beardies at the University of East Anglia who’ve had a bit of a play around with the fracking risk assessment data and they reckon there’s no problem, so we’re going to lift the moratorium and get cracking – or rather ‘fracking’ - again.”

Cuadrilla Resources chief executive Francis Egan (a career non-renewable natural resources exploiter with the likes of Marathon Oil and the notorious BHP Billiton Petroleum listed on his CV) informed a press hack from the Environmental Pillagers Review that the development of gas resources in the UK was an economic necessity – and if his company wasn’t given free rein to recommence operations then the Britain would go the same way as Greece and have to send Chancellor Osborne off with his begging bowl to talk to Mrs Merkel and her Kraut Bank shylocks.

Waving around a geophysical assay spread sheet, Egan proclaimed that a recent government review had concluded that fracking technology is safe - if adequately monitored - (Que? WTF?) – then dropped the intimidatory threat that his company may well walk away if the ban is not lifted and go pollute someone else’s water table.

Hallelujah, great, no problems – fuck off right now – bye-bye Cuadrilla – along with your equally notorious US-based Riverstone LLC partners - and close the door on your way out.
Good riddance to yet another set of ‘for profit’ environmental rapists who not only don’t understand the concept of the Earth being a living, breathing entity (Gaia Principle) but don’t really give a fuck about the damage and pollution caused by their operations.

Any and all bullshit besides, fracking ‘does’ lead to aquifer / groundwater contamination as the toxic chemicals used in the high pressure fracturing fluid migrates – by the very fact that the process causes multiple fissures in bedrock that has lain undisturbed since Creation - or what geologists classify as ‘a very, very long time’.

Thought for the day. To our mind the likes of this shifty Cuadrilla Resources, Marriott Drilling, Riverstone LLC and AJ Lucas combine hit the same grade point on the sociopath scale as a gang of Albanian pikey child sex slave traffickers – or Tory cabinet kiddie fiddlers – or usurious payday loan sharks – or BAE Systems arms corporations flogging depleted uranium munitions and baby killing cluster bombs – all worshipping at the altar of Mammon - their God of Greed.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Fletch said...

To borrow from one of Rusty's quips: fracking has as much chance of being socio-politically accepted / publicly endorsed and embraced as a kiddie's petting zoo in a leper colony.

Anonymous said...

Frack Off - brilliant

Anonymous said...

Very imaginative and adroit use of language, the composition of the fracking drill rig - and especially the stuffing of the Ed Davey effigy with P45s.