Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Kate Sparks Global Copycat Preggers Bids

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

News that HRH Princess Katie Middleclass finally has a bun in oven, fathered by Prince William the Anti-Christ, yesterday sparked a veritable global storm wave of copycat pregnancy bids – with broody females of the species from Tasmania to Tashkent and Hawaii to Huddersfield dropping their knickers at the nearest secluded woodland dogging sites ready to have their juiced golly gang-banged – or rushing off to a local IVF clinic to get inseminated with a shot of mutant blue blood jism supplied at £100 per scrotum-load by some anonymous hard up ‘lesser royal’ tosspot donor – so they too might pledge their diabolic Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gl├╝cksburg-McWindsor mongrel DNA offspring to Wills’ alter-Messianic legions at the coming Armageddon face-off between the forces of Heaven and Hell.

On a lighter and more temporal note, Kate’s own family - the money-grubbing Middleclass crew - along with the hereditary parasites comprising the Windsor Gang, are reported to be delighted - with His Royal Rudeness Prince Stavros of Edinburgh informing press hacks “About fucking time too.”

St James's Palace official spokeswoman, Soundbite Sally McSkanger, belayed fishwife gossip and wild rumours that Kate became pregnant while she and Wills were on their Asia-Pacific flag-waving Jubilee tour and was dared to take part in a Melanesian witch doctor’s fertility ritual dance with the rest of the tribe while visiting Wogga-Wogga in the Solomon Islands – a ceremony that apparently left Wills in a three-day state of delirious priapism and Kate going into naughty nympho’ mode by doing a supplicant Oliver Twist act and begging for “More!”

The royal baby will be born third in line to the throne, after the plant whispering Prince Chazzer and son Wills – a factor that the ginger-mingin Prince Harry Hewitt, aka the Royal Cuckoo, wasn’t too happy about.
Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron was quick to play the sycophant and beat deputy PM Mick Clogg to the post, writing on Twitter “Gosh and all that – just what the country needs to take the heat off us here in government with all this tosh over Tory cabinet kiddie fiddlers.”

New Labour’s juvenile boy wonder leader Ed Millipede failed to outdo Posh Dave but tweeted: "Fantastic news for Katie – let’s hope the little bugger’s not a suspicious shade of Muslim brown – or got red hair.”
Whereas Ron McScrote, leader of the anti-monarchist Republic pressure group, posted on their website “Just wot we need – another shape-shiftin’, slack-jawed, bat-eared spongin’ sprog signin’ on the royal Civil List an’ Grants-in-Aid, an’ bleedin’ the taxpayers dry.”

“Hopefully Kate’s bin payin’ her National Health contribution an’ she’s all stamped up. But it’s still an effin’ joke these money-grubbin’ twats claimin’ maternity benefits an’ child allowance an’ what-have-yer when they’ve got more effin’ money than sense. Plus wot Wills gets fer flyin’ that air-sea rescue helicopter round RAF Valley whenever he’s there an’ not gallivantin’ off an’ goin’ AWOL an’ doin’ jobs fer his Granny an’ leavin’ some poor twat ter drown cos their kyak’s sunk off the Menai Straits.”

Royal journalist Fellattia van der Gamm commented that the regal pair were likely to have wanted to start a family sooner rather than later but delayed so Kate could still field a sexy leg during the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations and not be waddling round like a Christmas goose.
"Katie will be 31 in January and by royal standards that is relatively old as Princess Di’ was up the duff with her first baby very quickly, thanks to the Royal IVF service – as was Princess Margaret – several weeks before she actually married Armstrong-Jones – but there again she was the royal bike and half the Royal Dragoon Guards had been for a ride on her.”

"However I imagine the couple will be treated with a modicum of privacy as they seem to be more aloof as a man and wife team and not into swinging or dogging parties like Wills’ younger brother Harry – or Uncle Andrew – or their chain-smoking troll of a step-mum, Gorgonzilla Parker-Bowles.”

"But with Wills reputed to be the Anti-Christ, this is going to be an occult global phenomenon of Second Coming proportions - and perhaps the most famous child to come along since the Virgin Mary’s immaculate conception and the birth of Jesus – so let’s just hope the kid’s born in a royal manger to milk the publicity spin angle for the best effect – and see if we can drum up three wise men from somewhere – obviously not Downing Street."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

2 comments:

Fletch said...

Ha, Rusty's on the ball, the world only found less than 24 hours ago that Kate was in the family way and she has her own personal satire crafted already.

Anonymous said...

Let's hope the kid doesn't look like his big-eared mutant of a paternal grand-daddy, Dobby - or as Rusty calls him - The Royal Plant Whisperer.