Saturday, 30 April 2011

Taliban Beat ‘Great Escape’ Record

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the biggest fuck-up since their last major fuck-up, the Afghan government have allowed scores of freedom fighters belonging to the hard-line fundamental Islamic Taliban Dan Gang to infiltrate the national penal service and pull off a Get Out of Jail Free prison break scenario that beats the World War Two Nazi Stalag Luft II POW camp’s ‘Great Escape’ record.

Bala’a il A’air Ibn Zamel, the Minister for Incompetence, whose purview covers the administration and security of Afghanistan’s hit and miss prison system, informed one reporter from the Fugitives Gazette that officials at Manuke Khara Prison in Kandahar City, the one-time Taliban capital, discovered they were short of some 480-odd inmates at breakfast time on Monday morning – a motley collection comprised of Jolly Jihad terrorists and generalised criminal scally types.

“They were very conspicuous by their absence – apparently nobody came down for their Corn Flakes and Vegemite on toast when the meal bell was rung. The guards summoned the Warder from his digs at the local brothel on Zeenat al Sharmuta Street and they then rang my office in Kabul to report the prisoners had become X-Files and been abducted by aliens from the Planet Niburu.”
“However closer investigation discovered a very deep hole in one of the ground floor ‘Honeymoon Suite’ cells, hidden under a prayer mat – which the local police wasted two hours looking into.”

“They eventually summoned Mr Mohammed bin Mole of the Kandahar Spelunkers Club and after Colonel Ras al Shitbag held a loaded pistol to his head he volunteered to go down the tunnel and lead a team of our military police and prison guards, and find out where the prisoners had escaped to."
"They eventually surfaced over half a kilometre away behind Hakim’s Halal Kebab shop on the corner of Goat Bonkers Street – and found themselves confronted by a mountain of excavated earth and rock whose burgeoning height and mass seems to have gone deliberately unnoticed by local officials over the months the Taliban have been digging their tunnel - which had bypassed police checkpoints, the prison watch towers and concrete barriers topped with razor wire. Oh well, shit happens I suppose.”

Meanwhile, over in Kabul, General Liwat Istimna, the chief of President Hamid Kami-Karzai’s notoriously brutal National Directorate of Security and Chairman of the ruling Kleptocracy Party, informed a press hack from the Potholer’s Review that they suspected the elaborate tunnel was the work of the Taliban sapper mastermind, Achmed ibn Himar, formerly the chief civil engineer for Wormhole Construction in Kandahar until one of the infidel US Predator drones demolished his children’s school with Shitehawk missiles after mistaking it for a Taliban flatpack furniture factory - and he swore vengeance against the diabolical agents of the Great Satan.

The local police and prison guards were only too happy to get their greasy palms crossed with silver for allowing foreign news reporters to photograph the roughly hewn deep hole that had been punched through the cement floor of the Honeymoon Suite prison cell with the jack hammers found hidden under the bed – along with a diesel-powered air compressor – the presence of which strongly suggests Taliban collusion with prison guards – who are further suspected of supplying keys to the scores of cell doors that were found to be unlocked – and their occupants gone.

Hmmm, such is the predestined end result when graft and corruption have become institutionalised and the kleptocracy that poses as the government and regional administration centres of US muppet Hamid Karzai are incapable of functioning without it.

The 1,200-inmate capacity Manuke Khara Prison had been part of a plan to bolster the government's presence in Kandahar. The facility underwent extensive security upgrades (a new padlock for the front gates) and tightened procedures after 900 prisoners were freed in a brazen Taliban assault in 2008 when dozens of Islamic freedom fighters on motorbikes and two suicide bombers attacked the prison.
One career self-harming suicide bomber, Shaheed al Ka-Boom, set off an explosives-laden tanker truck filled with stolen NATO Semtex at the prison gate while a second bomber blew open an escape route through the back wall.

One Afghan government official familiar with the Manuke Khara Prison, Mr Mustapha al Weaselfish, spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, explaining that while the external ‘above ground’ security has been greatly improved, the internal controls were not quite up to scratch – with Taliban prisoners reminding the guards of their Islamic faith and suborning them to their righteous cause. Hence the situation became one of the prison being run by the Taliban, who were in constant mobile phone contact with their outside commanders, and who masterminded the prison break.

However, following a recent wave of assassinations in Kandahar, this most recent breakout underscores the ‘amateurs posing as professionals’ weakness of the Afghan administration in the south despite an influx of NATO troops, mega-bucks funding and US 'military intelligence' (sic) advisers – and further serves to highlight the undiminished spirit and resourcefulness of the Taliban despite reversals of fortune. Obviously, to all intents and purposes, the insurgency to drive out the Western foreign devil invaders doth prosper.

Thought for the day: And the US’s Coalition of the Willing are talking about calling a halt to their Operation Never-Ending Warfare campaign in Afghanistan – withdrawing to battlefields new and handing the ‘good fight’ against the fundamentalist ‘opium crop burning’ Taliban to President Hamid Karzi’s pisspot army?
Hmmm, within three months the Taliban would be in control of Kabul and Karzai would go the same way as the Soviet muppet Mohammad Najibullah – dragged out of the UN compound by Ahmad Shah Massoud’s Taliban fighters, publicly castrated – then hung, drawn and quartered in Aryana Square. Such is the meritorious fate of Quislings and traitorous stooges.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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