Friday, 15 April 2011

Dubai Tops Vacation Murder Hotspots

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

For any of us who identify with the human community it’s bad enough getting mugged while on vacation, or involved in even a minor fisticuffs altercation with the locals. However, when you get arrested for making a stink while rightly complaining that your £1,000 quid per night 7-star deluxe hotel room service is shite, then get a good kicking in the kidneys and ribs from the local Plod Squad’s barbarians in a police cell – well, that’s the time to thank your lucky stars you had the foresight to take out the IATA travel insurance with a comprehensive health care plan attached – plus the all-inclusive funeral expenses.

Which is precisely what Bazzer McScrote, 39, from Slumborough Hamlets in East London will now require after being beaten to death while in the 'protective' (sic) custody of the Dubai police.

The UK Foreign Secretary, Willy Vague - (currently just camped down the road in Qatar where he and a cabal of like-minded warmongers are in conclave and plotting how to breach the UN’s no-fly zone ruling on Libya so they can actually invade the place and snuff Gaddafi - or send in NATO’s secret weapon – U2 frontman Bono – and bore the eccentric Colonel into exile) - has demanded a full investigation into the disturbing incident, informing one press hack from the Sadists Gazette that this was as bad as news vendor Ian Tomlinson getting twatted with a steel baton and shoved violently to the pavement by PC Simon Harwood, one of the London Met’s Thug Squad officers, at the G20 demonstrations on April Fool’s Day in 2009 – then having the sheer audacity to drop dead as a result – right in front of news cameras.

Vague has also instructed the British Consular staff in Dubai to kick up a bit of a stink and get some guarantees concerning the safety and continued well-being of four other Britons held at the same notoriously brutal Bur Dubai police station on the corner of Bala’a il A’air and Ibn Zamel streets.

The gospel according to reports in a number of red top gutter press tabloids claims the deceased, Mr McScrote, was arrested on the 6th April over a row at the luxury Burj Al Arab Hotel while on holiday. Apparently McScrote had requested room service from the hotel’s in-house Happy Ending rub n tug massage parlour, with a Thai masseuse, Ms Katoy Ai-Heea, providing the therapy. Apparently she also offered extra ‘sensation’ services for $50 which included an erotic ‘suck-swallow-suck’ blow job.

However, the story from the front desk concierge, Mr Umak Sharmuta, who spoke to journalists on conditions of anonymity and a 200 dirhams back-hander, revealed that a wholly dissatisfied Mr McScrote complained to the hotel’s manager that Ms Ai-Heea’s ‘love you long time sucky-sucky’ performance was far less satisfying than promised.

McScrote further explained that this lack of professionalism was compounded by the fact that she gagged and spat a whole gob-full of ejaculated jism out of the window then went and cleaned her teeth in the bathroom with his brush – and had added insult to injury by making his haemorrhoids bleed due her sharp fingernails while giving him a ‘finger-fuck’ prostate massage – concluding with a loudly proclaimed “So if that’s the best the Burj al Arab can offer in the way of a 7-star blow job then I want an effin’ refund!”

Apparently the hotel manager, Mr Ghaban Kess Emakk, a person afflicted with severe learning difficulties, refused to refund the $50 and further called the police to file a complaint that McScrote had solicited a member of the hotel staff to prostitute herself and perform a lewd and perverted sexual act for money.

McScrote was duly arrested and regardless of his protests of innocence and shouts of “Yer raghead dog wankers!”- carted off in the meat wagon to the Bur Dubai police station where he was allegedly given a good kicking and sodomised with a truncheon, then left in a solitary confinement cell for several days – until being discovered in a stiffening rigour mortis state on Tuesday morning, the12th April and later pronounced dead on arrival at the downtown Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer Memorial Hospital.

So, read this, tremble and beware all you would-be Persian Gulf tourists. Dubai, alike the rest of the seven United Arab Emirates, might well be posing as civilised holiday destination yet is still populated by a bunch of goat-bonking Bedouin savages whose police force is comprised of a gang of xenophobic cretins who like nothing better than getting one up on heathen honkeys – especially so visitors from the Great Satan – and since 9/11 and the illegal invasions of the Islamic sovereign states of Afghanistan and Iraq, that pet jingoist hatred now also extends to include Britain.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, spokeswoman for the London-based ‘Detained In Dubai’ support group, told press hacks that “Apparently the only qualification required to join Dubai’s police force is an NVQ 1 diploma in Basic Barbarism – and thus stands it in similar stead to the emirate’s fucked up judicial system which consists of the Court of First Instance, the Court of Appeal, and the Court of Castration.”

Likewise, Candida Mingerot, the director of Ox-Rat, the international human rights and wrongs watchdog charity, told the media “Bazzer McScrote gettin’ arrested like that’s a load of old bollocks cos prostitution’s effin’ rife in Dubai an’ the other emirates cos of all the ex-pat high rollers an’ rich Arabs wot want ter shag a bit of foreign pussy – an’ the whores pay off the cops every week anyways. So the bastards give the lad a right kickin’ then leave him banged up in solitary fer a week an’ never check on him an’ he snuffs it – chokin’ on his own spew.”

“Not exactly conformin’ ter Article 25 of the UAE Constitution wot provides for the equitable treatment of persons wiv regard ter race, nationality, religious beliefs or social status, is it – an’ definitely not doin’ owt ter promote effin’ tourism.”

The porcine and egoistic, self-promoting Dubai Police Chief, Dhahi Khalfan Tamim, informed a gaggle of reporters that “This man McScrote is thought to be a self-harmer that has taken his own life to make us look bad and damage the reputation of the Burj Al Arab Hotel – which was the pride of Dubai until we built the Burj Khalifa – the tallest hotel in the Universe. It is his own fault he got arrested – first making some hanky panky with the massage girl then complains she did not swallow his vile infidel seed – and that her fingernails were too sharp for his back passage – then insults the arresting officers by calling them camel jockeys and sand niggers. So now he is dead – Insh’Allah.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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