Risk Aversion Turns Kids into Wimps

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A recent survey commissioned by the Libservative Coalition’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has found that traditional playground games like British bulldog, conkers and pissing competitions are disappearing from many of England's schools.

Thirty per cent of the 666 school staff surveyed across our sceptred isle reported that the age-old chasing game of ‘Tar and Feather the Poofter’ had been banned from their school following legal actions and personal injury claims.
Fourteen per cent said pupils were now banned under HSE regulations from playing conkers and a further nine per cent said the sport of ‘Leapfrog’ had all but ceased to be practiced due fears of it turning into a prurient ‘beast with two backs’ sodomite rape-athon if gay pupils got carried away at the sight of another male bending over.

A full and unanimous 100% were of the opinion that schools were becoming increasingly hazard averse due the moronic and obsessive culture of health and safety risk assessments before putting one foot before the other - with teachers, lecturers, support staff and school leaders in agreement that the most dangerous playground pastime was now cellphone texting - which occasionally resulted in a trip to the local A & E with a broken fingernail.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, head teacher at St Rupert’s School for Latter Day Wimps in Smegmadale, told one reporter from the Pitfall Gazette that "The local education authority directed us to ban games of conkers in the playground even if the players were wearing body armour, goggles and work gloves due the fact that nut allergy sufferers are increasingly allergic to the atomised dust thrown up by them when they get twatted really hard and shatter." – the same as depleted uranium shells and bombs causing a 10,000 year radiation hazard on the battlefield.”

“Actually though, in my personal opinion, it’s all more at scaremongering propaganda and more likely a ‘nutty allergy’ with them going bonkers over conkers. If we go out for a nature walk down through the local Doggers Wood and the kids want to play hide and seek, they’ve got to be kitted out with a GPS locator beacon in case any of them get lost.”

“Since this calamitous coalition government got into power and all the protests over tuition fee hikes and local government spending cuts kicked off, the kids have been watching the demo’s on the telly and started their own make-believe Plods and Anarchists game, where someone would be in a wheelchair and get tossed out and dragged across the road – and another would pretend to be a news vendor and get beaten to death, and one of the girl protesters would have her orange juice drink mistaken for a suicide bomb and get her face punched in – and all good clean fun too – until the Plod team started ‘kettling’ the Protester team and several pupils were badly scalded with boiling water.”

“While we recognise the need to keep children safe, they still need to take measured risks to develop real life skills and be permitted to explore their physical and mental limits - and thus learn to negotiate physical tasks at their own pace - which they obviously can't do if they don't encounter risk.”
“Good gracious, when I was a schoolgirl, if any of the boys hadn’t lost a few teeth in a fistfight or fallen out of a tree or down a cliff and broken at least one arm or leg by the time they were moving from primary to secondary school they were labelled with the stigma of being a sissy.”

“To see how far this idiotic EUSSR-mandated health and safety risk assessment culture has progressed towards total madness, even our school boy scout and girl guide troops are now restricted when setting up camp fires to inform the local fire brigade the day previously so the site can be inspected and types of foraged dead wood checked for suitability as kindling and for burning – and then the effort’s further impeded by regulations stating there must be at least two Type A fire extinguishers on hand , plus one bucket of sand and one of water – and a fire blanket – and a mobile smoke alarm.”

“My God, just imaging the risk assessment required if any of our kids wanted to play ‘spin the bottle’. Pre-checks for STD’s, kitted out with condoms and vaginal pessaries – plus written consent to get kissed or groped. Now where’s the fun in that?”

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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